Mary Sue Slaying Across Parallels
by AlexAmericus
Summary: It's a Sue-Slayer fanfiction! This is a self-insert along with a character of my own creation stumbling upon a inter-dimension portal that takes us to Middle Earth. There, we join the company as Sue-Slayers, destroying and laying waste to any Mary Sue that dares to meddle with the story. This takes place in the movie-verse. Rated 'M' for swearing and graphic depictions of violence.
1. Chapter 1

Poking. Something sharp is poking my side. I lie like a corpse in my warm bed, half asleep and trying to figure out what in the holy hell was poking me in the side. Was it time to go to California? No, my parents would've told me if we were going beforehand, and they weren't even home at the moment; they were up in Phoenix with my grandparents visiting my Uncle Chris and Aunt Linda in the hospital. It couldn't be my older brother, he was all the way in Tucson last I checked. And my dog Skipper's too old to jump onto my bed, and I'm pretty sure his nose wouldn't feel that way against my side anyhow. Finally opening my eyes completely against my own will to keep them shut and stay asleep for a little while longer, I found out that it had been Twitchy that had been poking me trying to wake me up. I expected this, Twitchy's always trying to pester me. What I didn't expect was for her face to be mere centimeters away from mine.

_"Fucking hell!"_ I yelled as I tried fruitlessly to scoot away from Twitchy, my head crashing against the wall in the process. Clutching my damaged cranium, Twitchy finally said something instead of being all creepy.

"I'm sorry Mama!" Twitchy hopped onto the edge of the bed and hugged me, repeating her apology over and over again in her raspy voice. I knew Twitchy meant no harm in what she did, after all she did have a warped sense of what was normal and what wasn't, but still - I told her time and time again to not stick her face right up next to mine when she's trying to wake me up. For someone that meant no harm, to me at least, she sure had a thick head.

"Twitch, I'm fine." I assured, "Do you know how many times I've hit my head in my lifetime? More than the average person, that's for damn sure." I pried Twitchy's arms off my shoulders and pushed her off the bed. She fell down onto the floor with a thud, looking up at me with her dull, blank yellow eyes that resembled flashlights, trying to give me the best puppy dog look she could pull off. She always failed, but I've got to give her an 'A' for effort.

"Enough, Twitchy." I stretched and a very satisfying crack came from my spine. Twitchy stood back up and looked toward the door, looking a bit antsy, "Now, why the hell have you woken me up this time?"

Twitchy jerked her head back to me, "Somethin' weird is happening in the H.P. closet. I heard some noises coming from there."

Ah, yes, the H.P. closet. It was literally a closet under my staircase, named very appropriately the Harry Potter closet. Twitchy never needed the same amount of hours of sleep as a regular human being, so she was always up a few hours before myself. Sometimes I wondered myself if she even slept at all. Anyhow, without fail for the past week now she had reported back to me about the H.P. closet having weird noises emit from the inside. At first I was curious, but on the first day I investigated the matter there had been nothing to find. The second and third days were the same, so after that I had stopped checking the closet altogether, but Twitchy was relentless in her reports however.

"What else is new?" I yawned as I fumbled around blindly trying to retrieve my glasses, "Do I need to call the Ghost Stooges?"

Twitchy snickered, having about as much respect for the Ghost Adventures Crew as I did, "I don't think so, but I went in there." I lifted my head to look her in the eye and nodded, urging her to go on, "And I found this weird portal thing. I didn't go through it, but it kind of looked like it went to Narnia."

I blinked and furrowed my brow. Narnia? "I'll look into it, but let me get ready first." And with that, Twitchy left the room without another word, most likely eager to get herself something to eat. Setting myself on autopilot I went about my daily morning routine, which by now had become so repetitive it would make the most methodical person in the world cry in anguish that they couldn't hold a candle my mundane chores. In no way am I saying that this is a good thing - I could definitely use some excitement in my life. I thought that bringing Twitchy to life would help with that, but apparently my life was bland as ever, it didn't help that I didn't go out as often as I should though.

After my bed had been made, my clothes picked out on hanging loosely from my body, my computer turned on, tiny Christmas tree unplugged for the day, bird set up in his hanging cage, and teeth brushed, I finally met Twitchy downstairs. She had helped herself to some of the meat from my refrigerator, and was tearing into it like she had been kept in a cage and starved half to death. I stalked over to the pantry and grabbed one of the many canisters of hot chocolate I kept around the house, and starting preparing my "morning coffee." Since I didn't like coffee, hot chocolate was the substitute.

"Skipper looks dead." Twitchy said pointedly, raising a claw to point in the direction of the thirteen year old Schipperke lying on the rug in the family room, looking dead as a doornail.

Craning my neck to look at the black furry mass on the rug, I scoffed, "Dead asleep if that's what you meant. You can hear him snoring from here."

As if on queue Skipper did indeed let out a snore. Poor mutt was in such a deep sleep that he didn't move an inch other than his steady breathing. Twitchy laughed at the convenience before saying, "You gonna check out whatever's in the H.P. closet?"

"Once I get my hot chocolate." I stated, without glancing back as I strode over to the microwave to check and see if the milk was foaming, "You know how I get without my hot chocolate."

"Ah, yes, can't focus properly when you aren't high off sugar." I could almost hear Twitchy rolling her eyes to match her sarcastic reply. I should've never created that damn demon to be sarcastic.

I rolled my eyes in reply, though she couldn't see it from her place at the counter facing opposite me. At that point the milk had started to foam in the mug and, after putting on an oven mitt because that damn mug can get really hot after being in the microwave for four minutes, I gingerly took the mug out and poured the scalding hot milk into my favorite travel mug. It was a camouflage one. I was quite found of it.

With my mug, I walked over to the H.P. closet and open it up, and upon removing the big yellow vacuum, I heard a bloodcurdling scream that even woke up Skipper. The poor old dog started barking, determined to defend his domain and warn whoever was paying attention of impending danger. It must've been loud enough to disturb my parakeet Conn, too, as he had started to screech back in retaliation.

"Who released an army of fangirls?" Twitchy smirked, "And on who?"

Still trying to collect myself from that startling encounter, I choked out a reply as best I could, "Not sure, but that scream was on Loki standards, or whoever the fuck Tumblr is obsessing over these days." I placed the yellow monstrosity back in the closet and slammed the door as hard as I could without knocking down one of the many picture frames that existed in my house. Rubbing my right temple I took a seat at the bar just outside my kitchen. Twitchy couldn't take her eyes off the closet door despite having a delicious chicken leg that had been leftover from a few nights ago.

"I almost want to know what's going on." Twitchy resumed her ravenous tearing into the meat, making sure to pick of as much meat off the bone as her mouth could fit, "But knowing screams like that, I'm pretty sure it couldn't've meant anything good."

"You're so right it's scary." I replied, taking a sip of hot chocolate. I'd be lying if I said that the scream didn't interest me, along with the concept that there could quite possibly be a portal to some weird dimension just four feet away from me.

Several minutes passed and Twitchy had finished her feeding, Skipper had gone back to sleep, Conn had finally stopped screeching, and I had finished my hot chocolate before I finally said, "We're going to figure out what the hell that was."

"Fuck yeah." Twitchy pumped her fists into the air, "I thought you'd never say that."

I raised a finger, "Just in case though, I'm going to prepare as if I'm going on a hike. Who knows how long this exploration will take?"

"Might wanna take your crossbow too if you're thinking on that track." Twitchy advised.

"Good idea." I praised, and Twitchy's eyes lit up slightly. I went about my business in getting everything ready for the possible journey ahead. I grabbed the backpack I always used for my hikes from the garage and laid it out on the counter. Luckily the Camelbak water sleeve was still in there. Grabbing that and opening it, I rinsed out any possibly harmful bacteria that might've clung to the inside, washed out the siphon, and filled the sleeve with purified water before placing it back in the backpack. Twitchy had taken the food matters in her own hands and pulled out the three varieties of cereal bars we had as well as the wide array of jerky that my dad and brother (and sometimes myself) always keep on hand. I picked out a few flavors of cereal bars and stuffed them into a pocket, and put a variety of jerky into a near-empty bag and stuffed that in along with the cereal bars. Twitchy had also raided the fridge again and placed a few apples carefully into the pack. So, this demented being had a firm grasp of healthy foods? She might've just been grabbing those for me though.

Heading upstairs with the backpack, I grabbed my trusty red paisley bandana, a hairbrush, phone, keys, wallet, wristwatch, and hair tie from my room. I then headed into the bathroom to grab my toothbrush and toothpaste and other necessary shit that I might need, including a couple of First Aid kits. I always packed more than I needed, and this time I had no idea how long I was going to be gone, so it was better to pack everything but the kitchen sink, or in my case, camera and tripod. There was absolutely no way I was going to take those. Yeah, those things had been to hell and back three times over with me, but those things were still like my children. Going back to my room and picking up a couple of coats off the rack by my door just in case the weather was bad, I headed back downstairs to find Twitchy waiting by the closet door, my crossbow and a quiver of arrows leaning up against the wall along with the light wood walking stick I had become fond of taking with me on hikes.

"Lower Class Brats, military, or big puffy?" I asked her, referring to the only three coats I owned.

She raised an eyebrow, "Do ya really need to ask?"

I smirked, "Big puffy." I handed her the giant fleece lined hooded jacket, which she hugged lovingly before shrugging it on. I myself put on the Lower Class Brats hoodie I had received from my horseback riding instructor shortly before she left for California.

Something clicked in my head, and realization hit me like a shit ton of bricks, "Oh motherfuck." I nearly threw all of the equipment onto the floor and darted back up the stairs, nearly flying into my room.

"What's up?" Twitchy called from downstairs, she didn't even bother to rush up the stairs with me.

I didn't reply at first, I was rummaging through my desk drawers in search of the holy water I had received from a church sermon about six or seven years ago. I hadn't gone to church since I was fourteen, and over time I became an Atheist, but I thought about taking the stuff just in case we came across anything unsavory in nature. Stuffing the holy water in my pocket, I all but launched myself downstairs. When I had returned, I pulled out the holy water to show Twitchy, whose eyes narrowed and turned black in anger. She hissed, her lips curling back over her razor sharp teeth, giving her a menacing, demonic look which didn't scare me in the slightest. I had created her after all.

"Relax, it's not for you," I said, Twitchy stopped hissing, but her face still remained contorted into a snarl, "It's for if we run into anything from the dark side of the Internet." Twitchy visibly relaxed, her eyes returning back to their eerie yellow color.

I picked up the backpack and returned it to my shoulders. Since I had already been carrying a heavy load, Twitchy took it upon herself to help me out and carry my crossbow. Opening the closet door again and removing the vacuum, we entered the closet. Twitchy had followed me in and dragged the vacuum back in with her and shut the door behind us, leaving us in near pitch darkness. Turning the corner of the closet, I saw what Twitchy had been talking out.

"Goddamn, you were right Twitch." I stared at the portal in front of me. It gave off a little light, but not enough to light up the whole closet. The scenery beyond showed a lush forest, complete with little woodland critters. I swear you could been hear the birds singing and a river flowing in the distance. It was very pretty, and I couldn't wait to see what awaited us. Looking over my shoulder, I said, "Ready?" Twitchy nodded in reply, a giant grin spreading across her face.

Stepping through the portal felt like trying to walk through a giant cube of Jell-O. It resisted and wriggled around, creating a rippling effect similar to dropping a giant rock into a small body of water, and it felt like it was trying to prevent Twitchy and I from crossing over. I had managed to get through halfway when my insides felt like they were being compacted into one small area of my body, needless to say it was very uncomfortable. I grimaced in discomfort and I heard Twitchy behind me curse in defiance. It took us a good minute to completely step through the portal, and afterwards we felt a bit drained, not just physically, but mentally as well. We stood in the new clearing panting for a while before Twitchy finally spoke up.

"Why...in the _fuck_...did we do that?"

I straightened up, stretching until my back popped again, "No clue."

Twitchy straightened up and looked around, "Any idea where we are?"

"Nope."

"Fabulous."

I looked around the area and noticed a large travelling group on some horses. I tried to count how many people there were, but they kept moving around and dodging behind trees, making me lose count every time. Giving up, I instead looked to the front of the group to the apparent leader. I stared hard at the figure for a good long while before recognizing who it was. My eyes widened as my gaze travelling down the company line, recognizing every single person in the group, all but one. Twitchy sidled up to me, and noticing the look on my face she too looked at the group. However, she didn't have as much experience in the real world as I did, so she furrowed her brow and looked to me in confusion.

"Who are they Mama?" She asked, "Do you know where we are?"

I gulped, now realizing the situation we had just gotten ourselves into. Not tearing my eyes away from the company, I replied, "We're in Peter Jackson's rendition of _The Hobbit_."

Twitchy let out a choking noise. She had watched the first and second movie with me once each, but hadn't seen the last one since I had strictly forbidden her from walking out in public in daylight due to her frightening appearance. She turned back to me, the confused look now replaced with one of shock. "Seriously?!" She exclaimed, her voice rising a couple octaves. She looked back at the company, limply pointing one of her sharp claws toward the line, "So they're..."

Without needing her to finish, I said, "Yep."

"Who's the lady, though?" Twitchy asked.

I hadn't noticed that the unknown companion was a woman, but after Twitchy said that, I finally understood what was going on. All those commentaries I've done bitching about bad fanfictions and Mary Sues, all those parodies I've read making fun of them, all the sarcastic comments I've made to Twitchy and friends on the Internet, we were now living that reality. A devilish smirk formed on my face.

"I know why we're here." I said.

"I'll bite, why?" Twitchy asked.

"To rid this story of Mary Sues. And since the series is recently finished, there's going to be a lot of them." I grinned, much like Twitchy, but more human.

Twitchy cackled, she enjoyed ripping on Mary Sues as much as me, and much more wanted to see them all die a painful death by her teeth and claws. Her laugh soon became more insane, throwing back her head in laughter, overjoyed that she was going to be a part of this Sue-Slaying thing.

Twitchy ceased her laughing and grinned that Glasgow smile I had grown to love, "Where do we start?"

I started walking toward the unsuspecting company, "Now."

Twitchy was hot on my heels, silently cackling the entire way.

I actually couldn't believe this, this was a dream come true. However; as we neared the company, my social anxiety kicked in. I had always been extremely nervous approaching new people, no matter how comfortable I was with the situation. I oftentimes fumbled over my words in regular conversation with close friends, sometimes resulting in me cutting off my sentences altogether and staying quiet for the next twenty to thirty minutes trying to regain my confidence. I stopped dead in my tracks for a split second before taking in a deep breath and powering through, Twitchy still following close behind.

Before bursting through the tall brush that littered the trail on either side, I turned to Twitchy and whispered, "You better stay here for right now, if you come out with me and they see you, they might try to attack you. I don't want a fight breaking out -"

Before I could finish, I heard a woman's voice call out, following by the sharp note of a sword being drawn from its sheath, "Who goes there!? Show yourself!"

My eye twitched. Goddammit. Apparently this Sue was going to be one of those that was most likely going to be an Elf what with her apparent ability to hear hushed conersations. I slowly took off my glasses and face-palmed. Though, I slapped my forehead too hard, because a resounding _smack_ cut through the still silence, giving away our position and blowing any secrecy we might've had.

"Did you hear that?" One of the dwarves asked.

"Sounded like someone slapping a slab of meat." One thought aloud.

I heard someone dismount their horse, most likely the Sue, and footsteps heading in our direction. Twitchy's face contorted back into a vicious snarl, ready to attack if needed. I removed my hand from my face and put my glasses back on, raising my other hand to Twitchy in a silent way of telling her to stand down. Turning back around, I shoved my way through the undergrowth before the Sue had a chance to stab at the poor shrubbery.

"Hi there!" My sudden greeting startled the Sue, as instead of taking a step back, she raised her sword, the tip of the blade mere inches away from my frontal lobe. Typical. It seemed that I had startled some of the dwarves in the company as well, as some of them looked taken aback that a young woman in strange clothing had just burst from the bushes, and now their unwarranted companion was now pointing a deadly blade at my cranium.

"State your business!" The Sue ordered, "Or I will make sure that you will not live to see another morn."

Twitchy certainly did not like the sound of that threat as she leaped from the bushes with the agility of a big cat and tackled the Sue to the ground, pinning her to the dirt by the shoulders with her sharp claws. The ponies within the closest vicinity jumped away from Twitchy, wanted to get away from the threat, and the company separated into two, trying to remove themselves from being too close to Twitchy, their nerves probably even more frazzled then they had been when I made my appearance. The Sue stared up at the demon that had tackled her to the ground that was now snarling like a rabid animal at her, baring her teeth dangerously close to her face and neck. The Sue desperately looked around for her sword and found it relatively close, well, it would have been if Twitchy hadn't noticed her frantically glancing around. My demon kicked the blade away and continued to growl, snarl, and spit at the Sue, who was now too frightened to move.

"H-help me." She nervously glanced up at her companions, "P-please! I-it's going to k-kill m-me!" She stuttered. Unfortunately for her, it looked as if the dwarves closest to her were too shocked or scared to do anything against the snarling demon in front of them. Twitchy showed no mercy toward her prey pinned beneath her, and snarled louder, then swiveling her head around to the dwarves, letting snarl after snarl rip through her throat, daring them to come close and lose their lives.

_"Enough!"_ I looked around at the company to find the owner of the voice and found it to be Thorin, glaring hard at me as if I had caused this debacle, "Control your beast!" He ordered me, I simply shrugged. There really wasn't anything I could do to stop Twitchy unless I wanted my entrails to be scattered along the trail. Twitchy was impossible to control when she was in this state of anger and offense. The only way to really stop her that I could think of at the moment was...

"She might stop if your female companion over there apologizes for threatening my life." I pointed to the Sue, Thorin's eyes only narrowed in annoyance, I raised my hands in defense, "This only happened because she threatened my life, Twitchy was only trying to protect me."

"Twitchy?"

"That's its name?"

"How strange."

I didn't even try and bother to locate where the voices were coming from, hell I could barely remember all of their names to begin with, remembering only a few on a good day. I kept up the staring contest with Thorin, hearing Twitchy growl at the Sue in the background.

Thorin looked at Twitchy, then back to me, a suspicious look on his face, "Is that really the only way to cease this madness?"

I nodded in reply, as soon as I did, the Sue finally took the hint.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" She cried, "I didn't know! Please, don't kill me terrifying beast!" I turned around and saw tears form in the corners of the Sue's eyes as she begged for mercy. To my surprise, Twitchy didn't let up; she only snarled, causing the Sue to break down and cry and babble and continue to grovel. It was futile though, Twitchy only dug her claws deeper into the ground and continued to snarl.

Many of the dwarves had drawn their weapons, noticing that the apology wasn't working, and they prepared to attack Twitchy. I had hoped in the back of my mind that they were only doing this because they feared _their own_ safety, and not this Mary Sue's.

Not wanting any harm to come to Twitchy, I shouted to try and get through to her, _"Twitchy!"_ Twitchy's ears pricked up. She was listening. That was a start. "Enough, it's fine." I lowered my voice to a softer tone and took a couple of wary steps toward her, scared for my own life, "Twitchy, Mama's fine, I'm fine. She didn't hurt me."

I heard even more mutterings as a result of addressing myself as "mama."

"_She's_ that _thing's_ mother?"

"How unfortunate."

Twitchy finally relaxed and ceased her snarling, her face reverting back to a calmer countenance. She slowly got to her feet, releasing the Sue, who went to cower behind her horse, and turned to face me. "I'm sorry Mama."

"You've apologized enough for one day, Twitch." I nodded, calming down myself as the threat of her gutting me and others subsided. Everyone else seemed relieved that I had been able to calm Twitchy down, as a lot of them released a collective breath that they must have been holding in. Some even put away their weapons, assuming that the situation was now under control.

"You should've had more control over that...that...beast!" The Sue cried from her place behind her horse, feeling a bit braver.

Twitchy hissed, sending the Sue back to her cowering position, as well as causing the dwarves to become wary, "I prefer demon." Twitchy simply said before grinning.

Gandalf rode forward and dismounted, introducing himself and asking for our names, trying to diffuse the situation.

"I'm Alex," I answered. I pointed to Twitchy and said, "And her name, as you might've heard already, is Twitchy."

"I wish we could've met under happier circumstances, Alex." Gandalf smiled, "What are you two doing wandering in these woods?"

Before I could answer, Twitchy did it for me, "To get rid of scum like her." She jerked her thumb back toward the Sue. _Tact, Twitchy. You lack it._ I thought bitterly. The Sue scoffed and turned up her nose, Twitchy ignored it and turned to her, "What the fuck is your name anyway?"

The Sue seemed delighted to receive attention, even though it was from someone that had wanted to paint to ground with her blood only moments before, although everyone else around her seemed resentful that Twitchy had asked that question. Well, that assured me that they didn't like her all that much. The Sue flipped her hair and opened her big fat mouth, "My name is Lúthien Nátulcien Idril Nénharma, but most call me Lúthien. However, for strangers, like yourselves, just call me by my full name to get used to it."

"Fuck that bullshit." Twitchy growled, much to the displeasure of...what's-her-face.

Anxious to find out how the company really felt about Sue, I lightly elbowed Gandalf to get his attention, "You mind if we talk somewhere private?" I asked when he had looked down to my short form.

Gandalf seemed confused by the odd request, but nodded anyway. Nearly satisfied, I turned to Thorin, "You mind if we talk? It regards..._her_." I didn't even bother to remember her name, and both Gandalf and Thorin seemed to be a bit amused by that fact. Thorin gave me no verbal reply but instead dismounted his pony. I led them both to a more private and quiet area a little ways off the trail.

"Alright, it's obvious that my companion doesn't like your female one." I started, "But what about you two? How do the you and the rest feel or think about her?"

"Why do you ask?" Thorin asked.

I launched into the long explanation of how Twitchy and I came upon this place and their company, and why we were here. Gandalf seemed very interested in the information I had, while Thorin looked borderline shocked and confused, but interested nonetheless. Every so often in the middle of my explanation I heard Twitchy cackle, probably laughing at Sue's life's story, which was undoubtedly asked by Twitchy herself for her own amusement. When I had finally finished, I asked them again.

"So, what does the company think about her?"

Thorin shook his head, "They are resentful, though they try to keep it to themselves. Many of them have come to me complaining, asking me why did I allow her to stay, and what could she contribute to our quest. I have not the faintest idea why she remains, but all she does is constantly chatter, it has started to bother the others. However; I fear that my sister-sons, Kili and Fili, have taken a different turn than the others."

And there was the bombshell, I was worried about that. "How have they been acting?"

"Not themselves, that is for certain." Thorin answered, "They seem to go into a trance, not saying a word while she is speaking with them. And when they do speak...they are just not right. I fear that it is some sort of witchcraft, that she has put them under a spell."

I nodded, kind of expecting that kind of answer, "I think I know what to do."

"May I ask what?" Gandalf spoke.

"Well, the only way to be rid of a Mary Sue is to end their existence."

Gandalf's eyes widened ever so slightly, "You mean kill them?"

I nodded, "But sometimes even that doesn't work, sometimes they come back."

"How can one come back from death?" Thorin asked.

"If they're some kind of angel-hybrid." Noticing Gandalf and Thorin's confused looks, I added, "It's been done before. It's either that or they are blessed by some kind of deity by the will of the creator of the Mary Sue."

The two looked at each other, then back to me, looking almost hopeful, "But you and your companion can rid us of them? And even protect us from these...things?" Thorin asked.

I smiled and nodded, "Luckily, Twitchy's not even human herself, she's a demon that I purged from my own being, she can take care of the supernatural part of things. As for me, I have a crossbow, so I can take care of the physical part if it comes to that. Not only that," I pulled the holy water from my pocket and handed it the Gandalf, who examined it closely, "I have that, it holy water blessed by a priest. Now, I'm an Atheist, meaning I don't believe in any kind of deity, but - " I passed the bottle to Thorin, " - Twitchy _hisses_ at this stuff, just when it's presented to her. She's a demon, and if my assumptions are correct, and these Mary Sues are demons of the story, then this will weaken them, or even destroy them."

"Quite impressive, it seems you and your companion have an arsenal," Gandalf said, he turned to Thorin and asked, "What do you think?"

"If what you say is true, then I will be more than happy to have you join my company." Thorin nodded, "Although; I must ask that you prove that this...woman is what you say she is, and not just a delusional Elf. I do not doubt you or your companion's abilities, I just must see the result myself."

"Of course." I replied.

The three of us returned to the trail to find that Twitchy had resumed snarling at Sue, and Sue had regained her sword and was standing ready for a fight. I quickly went to Twitchy's side and tapped her shoulder. Her snarling ceased immediately and I had her full attention. I told her the short form of the conversation I just had with Gandalf and Thorin, and devised a plan on the fly on how we were going to blindside Sue. Twitchy tried, and failed, to hide a grin as I told her my plan to act an apology to Sue with some holy water daubed in my hand. At the end, I'll offer my hand for a handshake, hopefully burning her hand with the holy water. And while Sue was distracted, Twitchy hold go in for the kill.

Understanding the plan, Twitchy nodded to me and pretending to act ashamed in herself as I approached Sue.

"I'm terribly sorry about Twitchy, she can become very ornery and angry when I'm absent. She can also be very brash when it comes to strangers endangering those she's close to, in her eyes." I lied, Sue seemed to be enjoying the fact that someone who had wronged her was apologetic and now groveling to her for a change. "I'm sorry about her," I stuck out my hand, "Truce? At least between you and me?"

Sue haughtily sniffed and said, "You seem to be at least slightly more pleasant than that monster, I suppose." She grasped my hand.

Immediately I heard a hissing sound, and steam had begun to rise from our joined hands. Sue screamed, trying to wretch her hand away from mine but I did not let go. It might sound sick, but I wanted her to suffer for the damage she had done. With one final yank, she freed her hand from my iron grip. She stared down at her hand in despair, screaming in pain, and completely oblivious to her impending death.

"Now, Twitchy!" I sidestepped out of range, giving Twitchy her queue.

Twitchy lowered herself to the ground, her eyes black and narrowed. She was snarling, but she was also smiling. Digging her claws and heels into the ground for traction, she leapt forward and tackled the Sue to the ground once more, only this time if was to end Sue's life.

The Sue tried to fight, but Twitchy had knocked her sword out of her reach yet again. Twitchy released the Sue's arms only to slash at her abdomen with her extended claws, blood poured from the wounds profusely, and the Sue was quickly losing her strength due to the blood loss. Twitchy, being very cat-like in her characteristics, liked to play with her prey, so every so often she would stop and give the Sue a chance to fight back, but then resume her fierce slashing.

The others stared in horror at what was happening to their unwanted companion, my closest guess was that they were not used to seeing such brutality taken upon a woman. Nothing could've prepared them for what Twitchy did to finish Sue off though. When Twitchy was done playing with her prey, she bent over Sue's neck and bared her teeth, she didn't even hesitate to bite into Sue's throat. Sue let out an agonizing, piercing scream that echoed throughout the forest. Birds scattered from the trees that the sudden noise, and several dwarves had looked away from the gruesome scene. Twitchy raised her head, and was immediately covered in Sue's blood pouring from her torn jugular. Only pausing for a second to spit out the ripped out flesh, Twitchy leaned back down and continued to tear out Sue's throat, even though she had already stopped moving. Blood painted the ground beneath Sue and Twitchy. When Twitchy thought she was done, she stood over Sue, cackling all the while, feeling very triumphant in what she had done. The first Mary Sue was gone. And even better, Kili and Fili had snapped out of their stupor, much to everyone's (at least those who were aware of the situation) relief.

It was at this point Thorin and Gandalf stepped in to explain what had just happened and why it had to be done. They explained everything that I had to them. When all of the formalities had been finished, proper introductions followed. Twitchy and I introduced ourselves formally to the group, and them to us. During this discussion, Sue's body had disappeared, giving even further proof that she was not part of the original story to begin with.

"Hold a moment," Balin said, "you and Twitchy are not part of our intended fates as well, as you have explained that you are from a different realm altogether. Wouldn't this mean that if you were to die, you too would vanish from existence?"

Fuck. I did not think about that. "I guess so. Shit." I looked to Twitchy, who also looked concerned, "We can take care of and protect ourselves, but that fact is a little unnerving."

"None to worry," Gandalf assured, "Through all of our combined efforts, I'm certain that everyone will remain safe." He turned to the rest of the company, "Right?"

Everyone nodded in agreement, more than happy to protect those that are risking their very existences just so that they can remain safe and of right mind.

"Keep your wits about you." I warned, "Mary Sues can be clever, but some cripplingly stupid," I earned some snickers with that remark, "and while we can't reveal any of your futures to you, Twitchy and I will be able to pick out a Mary Sue from a mile away."

Twitchy and I gathered the rest of our belongings and rejoined the group. Unfortunately, because they were short on ponies and horses, I had to ride bitch with someone. Twitchy blatantly refused to ride bitch (as if anyone would be comfortable riding with her) and ran alongside the line.

The Mary Sue hunt had begun.

**Author's Rambling:**

**Goddamn that was long. Eleven pages on Microsoft Word, that's the same length as my final paper in Writing 101 *choking noise*.**

**This is the first in the series of Sue-Slaying fanfictions that I'm doing. I was thinking about making these one compiled crossover, but as you can see; it's not going to end that way. Probably for the shorter parodies I'll put into a crossover, but we'll see how that goes.**

****This chapter is most likely going to the longest chapter since it is the very beginning, but I make no promises.****

**Criticism is, of course, more than welcome. If you see anything that I can improve upon, feel free to tell me, I don't get butt-hurt. In fact, feedback of any kind is more than welcome.**

**Read, review, favorite, do as you wish!**

**Thank you for reading,**

**-A**


	2. Chapter 2

Absolutely no one missed Twitchy's action of dropping on all fours and sniffing around like a bloodhound hot on the trail of a wanted criminal. In fact, everyone had stopped their ponies and looked to Twitchy expectantly, wondering if she had picked up on something that they had missed. The demon slowly crawled around on the dirt path, stopping to sniff the ground and the air only occasionally before continuing her animalistic crawl. Ever since the incident with the first Mary Sue, everyone had been on edge since they had the ability to fog one's judgment. I didn't even bother telling them that some were more at a risk than others - Thorin, Fili, and Kili being at the top of that list. It was much better if all of them were on high alert, that way they could spot abnormalities a lot faster.

It had only been a couple of days since Twitchy and I had become the company's full-time Sue-Slayers, and those couple of days had been too long for my taste. The days were full of explaining on who I was, where I came from, what were Mary Sues, how could they avoid them, how could they get rid of them, what was Twitchy, how she came to be, and blah. Needless to say, I had drank a lot of water over the course of those couple of days due to the amount of talking I was doing, not to mention that I felt like a walking almanac of everything fanfiction related. I needed a nap every time I finished explaining something.

Due to the lack of ponies, I was still riding bitch, and I had been riding bitch with someone different every day; mostly to give the previous person a break from having an eighteen year old sarcastic little shit behind them. Today, thanks to a gut feeling that something was going to happen that day, I rode bitch with Kili and told him to stick by his brother as much as possible so I could keep an eye on them. Twitchy was always in the front of the company with Thorin or a little ways ahead, so she mostly kept an eye on him.

"Is she picking up on anything?" Fili asked. Twitchy was still tracking whatever she had found.

I shook my head no, "Can't tell from here, she's definitely found something though."

Just as I finished my sentence, I heard Twitchy gag which was closely followed by a hiss. Leaning over to the right a little ways so I could see past Kili, I saw Twitchy reeling away from what looked to be some kind of trail mark carved into a nearby tree. I couldn't exactly tell what it looked like from my position, but it looked kind of like an intricate crest of some kind, something that would take an obscenely long time to carve into a tree when you're just marking where you've been.

"What's wrong?" Gandalf asked Twitchy, "Did something pass by here?"

"Oh yeah," Twitchy hacked and spat in the direction of the mark, "Something so ridiculously frou-frou I feel like I'm going to toss my cookies."

"Toss...her cookies?" I heard Ori's questioning voice behind me, I turned to face him and whispered 'vomit.' In turn I got either shocked or utterly disgusted looks from the others upon learning what Twitchy meant.

Turning back around, I called out to Twitchy, "Think it might be a Mary Sue?"

Twitchy nodded fervently, "No doubt, Mama." Twitchy looked over her shoulder, scanning the immediate area for any signs of the Sue, occasionally sticking her nose in the air to try and get a scent.

"Should we try going around?" Bilbo's uneasy voice piped up from the near back of the group, "Just to...avoid whatever's out there."

"Whatever, or whoever, it might be, it is travelling on the main path," Balin informed, "we cannot change our course too much, lest we get lost."

"I don't know about you, but I'd much rather stray from the path and get lost than run into another one of those Mary Sues again." Bofur argued, several others agreed with him, wanting nothing to with the demons of fanfiction and probably not wanting to witness another one of Twitchy's gruesome and gory killings again.

"Can you tell how far away it is?" Thorin asked Twitchy.

Twitchy sniffed the air again, this time a grimace formed on her face, "Not that far, only about a half mile. Maybe even less than that." Thorin nodded at the answer, sitting in silence, possibly thinking about what we should all do.

"We can't just sit here and wait for this thing to find us." Gloin argued.

"Aye," Dwalin replied, "We need to keep moving."

I hopped down from the pony and jogged up to the front of the company, "Twitchy and I will look ahead," I volunteered, "We'll come back as soon as possible when we figure out what's ahead."

"Do be careful." Gandalf called as Twitchy and I dashed ahead of the group further into the forest.

Twitchy, who was in much better physical shape than I, had no problem trekking through the forest. Myself, on the other hand, had I bit of trouble keeping up with her. I had run through the woods before, but sitting backseat on a pony for nearly five hours did nothing to improve my already below average stamina. The pair of us had ran the length of a couple of football fields before reaching fork in the road.

Twitchy sniffed the air again, trying to get an idea of where the scent took off, "It goes left," She stated pointing to the left fork, "And there's nothing on the right. Which way's Erebor?"

"I want to say right," I replied, "but I have a bad feeling that I'm horribly wrong."

"You always get that feeling Mama." Twitchy retorted, stopping to sniff the air again. Her face twisted in disgust, "It's getting closer."

Shocked that whatever kind of evil was turning back our way, I quickly said, "You're a faster runner, double back and tell the company that there's a fork in the road and we're going right to avoid the Sue. I'll stay here and try to stall them if they get too close."

"Gotcha." Twitchy turned on her heels and sprinted back toward the guys to warn them. She had just left my sight when I heard someone walking along the path towards me.

_Shit. _I thought sourly. _Shit shit shit._ Turning back around to the pathway, there was another Sue. I hadn't expected to run into one so soon. This one was pretty obvious like the first one, what with her golden blonde hair, unnaturally green eyes, and everything else that made me physically ill. Why were these Sues so obvious? As she approached me, I quickly thought of some kind of act that would turn her away, albeit she probably wouldn't fall for it.

"Greetings," smiling brightly, she stopped in front of me, looking down at my five-foot-two self, "Are you a wandering dwarf?"

Damn, I know I'm short, but hell - I was even taller than some of the dwarves in the company, "What gives you that idea?"

"Well, you are shorter than I am."

"So anyone shorter than you is automatically a dwarf?" _This would work._ I thought as I feigned offense, "You are arrogant."

Now it was the Sue's turn to be offended, I had probably hit a nerve by calling her out, "I do not know who you are young one, but I meant no offense. I was merely stating that you are - well, smaller." She quickly changed the subject before I could argue, "Can you please direct me to the Shire? I am running terribly late for my meeting with Thorin Oakenshield and his company, and I'd rather not keep him waiting more than I already have."

What is that sickly taste in my mouth? Oh yeah, that's bile, I just threw up a bit. "I don't know what or who you're talking about." I lied. _I'm going to have to redirect my act. Goddammit._

The Sue, surprised, gasped and said, "How could you not know? How could you not know the story of those poor dwarves in Erebor that lost their homeland to a fire-breathing dragon, and the young prince's futile attempts to defend it?"

_I have a feeling that a certain dwarf would take offense to that._ "I've heard the stories spun by oracles, but I didn't deem them true." The Sue opened her mouth again, probably going to tell me off again for "not believing" the legends of old, but I cut her off just as she did me and I heard the unmistakable sound of hooves drawing near, "Why are you looking for them? I'd almost hate to tell you but you're going the wrong way."

"I am!?" The Sue cried, hopefully loud enough that the company would take the hint and stop, "Oh dear! This is horrible!" She frantically rifled through her pack and pulled out a map in impossibly good condition, she quickly scanned it before showing it to me, "I'm supposed to go to the Shire. Is the Shire not west of here?"

Looking carefully at the map, trying to act as if I'm trying my damnedest to find a solution to her problem, I came up with a lie so quick a pathological lying psychopath would've been very proud of me, "This map is a misprint." I took the map in my hands and started flipping it this way and that.

"A misprint?" The Sue said skeptically, "How do you know?"

_Non-existent god in the sky, this woman's trying to turn me into Pinocchio._ "I'm a cartographer."

"Ooh! A map-maker!" The Sue squealed in delight, "Perhaps you then can point me the right direction."

"I sure can," I smiled a fake, sickly sweet smile that would've made Dolores Umbridge green with envy, "Luckily whoever misprinted this map did in such an awkward way that if you just flip your map upside down - like so - " I demonstrated flipping the map upside down, showing that the Shire would then be roughly the same place as Mordor, " - you'll then be able to follow it correctly. You'll have to unfortunately read all of the print upside down, but I don't think you'll have any troubles other than that." I handed the map back to the Sue and she fiddled with it in her hands and flipped it upside down just as I had done, letting out a vocalization of realization when she understood.

"I have no idea how I came so close to Mordor." She shook her head in disbelief, "Well, I am lucky to have found you Mistress Cartographer, I'd much rather not run into legions of Orcs when I'm trying to find Thorin Oakenshield and his company. Although, I must ask, what are you doing so close to the borders of Mordor?"

"I'm trying to make a much more detailed map, one that'll show the composition of the terrain in all the lands." How many lies have I told now? I lost count.

"Ooh!" Another squeal of delight came from the Sue, I inwardly cringed at the high pitched noise, "That would be so convenient, you must tell me when you finish it if we should ever cross paths again. Well, I must be off. I have delayed enough in my voyages, thank you very much Miss Cartographer!" She waved and set off back down the path from whence she came, now reading her map upside down like a complete imbecile.

My shoulders dropped in relief as I muttered under my breath, "It'll be called Google Earth." I flourished my hands ironically turned around and walked back toward the company. Thankfully, I assume they did take the hint and stayed further back and didn't allow themselves to be seen. When everyone was in my field of view I saw Twitchy all but smashing her head against a tree, trying to hold back laughter as best she could, though the occasionally snigger snuck its way out through her teeth. Looking toward the dwarves, Gandalf, and Bilbo, most of them from what I could see were holding back their laughter as best they could and fighting back smiles. Bilbo was busying himself with the scenery, although it was evident that even he thought my atrocious act had poked him in the funny bone. I was very surprised to find Thorin holding a hand to his face, shielding his eyes and fighting back a slight smile. Gandalf was the only one openly smiling and chuckling.

Bofur was the first to speak up, "How did you - " he paused to fight back some laughs that were trying to escape, " - think...of that?"

I was having a hard time containing my own laughter now, just seeing the looks on all of their faces was chipping away at my cool, "Remember what I said about some Mary Sues being cripplingly stupid?"

Bofur, and many others, couldn't take it anymore and starting guffawing in laughter. Twitchy had fallen flat on her back and was cackling like a madwoman. Thorin was having a more difficult time trying to maintain his calm, his hand moving from his forehead to his mouth trying to hide whatever emotion he was feeling. I walked past several dwarves to make my way back to my riding partner, Kili, receiving pats on the shoulder as I passed. When I reached the two brothers, who were among those that were laughing the hardest, they helped me get back on the pony. They tried talking to me, or congratulate me on my efforts, but they couldn't get the words out; they would just look at me and fall right back into laughing.

Balin was one of the only ones to have the ability to recover quickly from the ordeal, "I'd hate to cut this victory short, but where did the Mary Sue head off to? Twitchy informed that the road split in two directions. Which way did she go?"

"She went back down the left path," I called to him over the chuckle-boxes, "hopefully we won't be going down that path." We had started walking when I was seated back behind Kili and almost didn't notice that we had reached the fork.

"Luckily, we do not have to." Gandalf called, "We need to head down the opposite path," he turned in his saddle and smiled at me, "Quick thinking, Miss Alex."

"How did she leave?" Fili asked when he had fully recovered, "I mean, when she was reading the map? I did you recommend she'd read it?"

"I told her to read it upside down." My reply brought on a whole new wave of laughter, Bilbo had even joined in - in his own way. He had his head ducked to where his chin touched his sternum, but I didn't miss his shoulders shaking. Most of the older dwarves starting shaking their heads at the ridiculous position I had left the Sue in, marveling at how someone can be that stupid.

"Jesus, Mama," Twitchy finally recovered, however slightly, from her fit of cackling to choke out, "and you say you're a horrible liar and actress."

"To be perfectly honest, I have no idea how I managed that." I replied shaking my head side to side, "At least without completely losing it."

The laughter finally died down as everyone continued riding down the pathway to who-knows-where-exactly. Every now and again someone to chuckle at the fact that the Sue had been so air headed to walk away reading a "misprinted" map upside down. A good lot of them were even saying to one another that they would have to remember that act for later, just in case they came across one after they reclaimed Erebor and Twitchy and I had made our departure.

A couple hours of riding had passed and Twitchy, feeling fatigued and possibly sore from running for days on end, finally gave in and rode bitch with Dwalin. Her relaxation was short lived though, as it was only about a few minutes after she nimbly hopped onto the moving pony when she had caught wind of some kind of scent. It must have been familiar to her as she immediately stuck her nose in the air to try and locate where it was coming from. The action went wholly unnoticed by the dwarves in front of her, but all those riding behind Dwalin could clearly see that she had picked up on something, and it probably wasn't a good something.

The company only stopped when they heard Twitchy hiss. They all looked to her in slight uneasiness, probably all thinking along the same lines of: 'was there really going to be another one so soon?' The problem was though, Twitchy wasn't looking ahead of the group, rather; she was looking behind us. I felt the horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach return as I slowly turned my head and saw the same Mary Sue running down the pathway toward the company.

Fuck. I didn't know what would happen to me if she saw me with them. I frantically poked Kili in the shoulder.

"Kili! Kili! Hide me, it's _her!_" I whispered. Luckily those nearby me - Fili, Dori, and Nori - heard my panicky voice and rode forward to form a tight wall around us. Kili even went so far as to reach behind him and pull my own hood up to hide my hair and face. I pulled the drawstrings on the hood for good measure, feeling much like Kenny from _South Park_. The Sue ran right past us and, thoroughly ignoring the fact that Twitchy had hopped down and was now following her, right up to Thorin. The aforementioned dwarf, if looks could kill, would've struck her dead with the deadly glare he was giving the unwanted guest. The Sue stopped in front of him, beaming up and looking triumphant at the fact that she had found him after all. Twitchy, on the other hand, was just about ready to snap her neck.

"At last I have found you, Thorin Oakenshield!" The Sue exclaimed, "I knew if I just followed my heart I'd find you." I nearly gagged at the overly sappy, cliche, _Titantic_-worthy line. Twitchy was there to express my exact thoughts though, as I heard a retching sound from the front of the line.

"I have not heard of you," Thank you Thorin, for taking what I said to heart...I mean, _mind_..."Nor do I want to, and I would much rather prefer to not find out how you have come to know of me."

_Now _that_ is how you refuse a Sue, with majesty and class._ I thought with a slight smile beginning to show.

The Sue, affronted, gasped and said, "How could you not have known of me!? I was the only Elf that came to your aid when the dragon Smaug came! Not only that, but I'm one of the most well known Rangers in all Middle Earth!"

She's an Elf? Well, that explains a lot. I can't believe I actually missed that. I'm going to have to start keeping count of how many Elven Mary Sues try to force themselves on Thorin. Although, I thought Elves were supposed to be wise?

"You smell that?" Twitchy asked, sniffing the air as she asked, "Smells like horse shit. And damn is it _heavy_." Twitchy grinned as she faced the company for a second, then turned back around to find the Sue right in her face.

"How _dare_ you call me a liar!" The Sue wagged a finger in Twitchy's face.

_Bad idea._ I thought just as Twitchy made to bite the Sue's finger off. Sue barely managed to retract her finger as Twitchy snapped her jaw down. Twitchy hissed at the Sue, causing the too-perfect being to take a step back.

"I didn't call you a liar...technically" Twitchy smirked, "but you might want to stop spewing horse shit, you're teeth are starting to turn yellow." At her remark, Sue clasped her hands over her mouth. The mere thought of her teeth being remotely yellowed probably disgusted her.

Sue, still perturbed by Twitchy's horse shit comment, turned her back on the demon (_Also a bad idea_. I thought.) and returned her gaze to Thorin, "I implore you, let me join your company, let me prove to you that not all elves are bad. I can fight, cook, clean, heal wounds, and everything. Let me prove myself to _you_." Thorin smiled slightly, but it wasn't because of the Sue, it was because Twitchy was making childish hand gestures of someone talking behind Sue's back occasionally sticking out her tongue or moving her mouth in an absurd, mocking way all while sneering in disgust. After Sue had finished her heartfelt speech from hell, Twitchy made a mocking gesture of putting a noose around her neck and hanging herself, earning a small huff of laughter from the King Under the Mountain. Way to go, Twitchy.

Thorin looked back at Sue and firmly stated, "I already have valuable members of my company that can perform the same tasks as you. Moreover, I do not even know who you are, and I do not wish to find out." Thorin nodded to Twitchy, and the latter immediately put Sue in a sleeper hold. Sue, still in shock that Thorin had refused her, didn't struggle against Twitchy's hold at first. As Twitchy tightened her hold, Sue began to fight back. The demon, however, much a lot stronger than Sue, who had very thin and looked like she barely had any upper body muscle. Twitchy, on the other hand, had a reasonable amount of muscle, and overpowered the Sue easily, quickly tightened her hold even further in an effort to choke Sue out.

Knowing that Twitchy had the upper hand, I plucked up the courage to call out to her, "Don't even bother, Twitch, just snap her neck and be done with it."

I saw Sue freeze, she probably recognized my voice and most likely figured out that I was in control of Twitchy, more so than Thorin anyway. She all but shrieked, "Miss Cartographer! Thank goodness! Please, help me!" _Seriously? I just told Twitch to snap your neck._

"If you think that Alex is going to help you, then you are sorely mistaken," Thorin stated to the Sue, the tone of his voice was almost mocking her, stating this as if it were common knowledge to all in Middle Earth, "she, and her demon Twitchy, are part of my company, to protect us from those with ill intentions. Like yourself."

Sue made a choking sound, whether due to Thorin's words or Twitchy's chokehold, I didn't know.

"Twitchy, I know you like playing with your victims, but we're on a time crunch." I called out again, "Just snap her neck."

Twitchy groaned in disappointment, "Aw, fine." With a quick jerk of her arms, a loud snapping noise resounded through the immediate area. Some of the more meek members of the company either gagged, turned away, close their eyes, or all of the above. Twitchy let Sue's body drop to the dirt with a dull thud. She stood there staring at the dead Mary Sue for a while before walking back over to Dwalin's pony and nimbly hopping up, probably still tired from running for two days straight.

"Ding dong the Sue is dead, the Sue is dead, the Sue is dead," I sang under my breath, so low that I could only hear, "Ding dong, the wicked Sue is dead."

The fallen Sue was given no regard from the company as everyone urged their ponies forward. They avoided the body as it began to fade into oblivion.

Opening my hood and lowering it, I commented, "I had a bad feeling something like that might've happened sooner or later."

"Looks like your gut feeling was right Mama." Twitchy called from the near front.

"For once," I muttered. Unfortunately, Kili heard me.

"'For once?' What do you mean by that, Alex?" He asked.

I shrugged, though he couldn't see, "Normally I worry about problems that don't exist. Just my crazy mind." I waved off the matter, not really wanting to talk about my anxiousness when it came to these situations.

"That was, well, eventful." I heard Bilbo say, "Why do you think she turned around Alex?"

"She said she was an elf, maybe she heard us all laughing at her stupidity?" I replied, "Who can say? She's dead. That's pretty much all that matters right now. She died before she could get to anyone." I raised my voice slightly so that Thorin could hear me, "Nicely done Thorin. Keeping your wits about you."

Thorin turned around slightly to call back to me over his shoulder, "Well, when they are _that_ obvious, it is easy to guess their true intentions."

"Will they all be that obvious?" Ori asked hopefully. He probably wasn't the only one that was hoping that these Sues would be easy to spot.

"No," I replied simply, "Some of them are a lot more crafty than the first two. I think what might happen is that they will gradually get less obvious as this quest wears on. And while we might not pick up on it immediately, that's why Twitchy's here."

"Fuck yeah!" Twitchy cheered as she pumped her clawed fists in the air, "Heightened senses for the win!" A few of the dwarves laughed at her outburst, while Dwalin grumbled that she had just pretty much screamed in his ear.

It was silent for almost an hour after that thankfully, leaving me alone to my thoughts. I let my mind wander off into a distant world full of zombies. Why zombies? I don't have any clue. My mind is a desolate place to be in. It is quite literally a no-man's land full of crazy ideas, crazier concepts, and the craziest of scenarios. I'm careful to never wander too far though, seeing as how when I do let my mind wander I fall into the thousand yard stare, and most often than not I end up staring at someone. And I'm such an awkward person that once that catch me staring at them (though it's not meant to mean anything, I just stare at nothing), I just keep staring at them; making the recipient feel extremely uncomfortable and make them question my sanity.

Luckily, while my mind wandered my head had inclined in such a way I thought there was a loose screw in my neck, leaving me to stare at my blue jeans. I probably looked asleep to the others with the way I was hunched over. When I broke away from my stupor I straightened up, stretched, and yawned widely. I have not yet found out why, but whenever I start daydreaming I start getting incredibly tired. I would've thought that since I'm resting my mind that I would be more awake and alert. Apparently not.

"Are you still alive back there?" Kili let out a small laugh at his extreme question, "You're awfully quiet."

"Is this really that much of a surprise by now, Kili?" I turned my attention to my knuckles, which had grown stiff from lack of movement and needed to be popped.

Kili shrugged, "I suppose not. It's just slightly unnerving having someone riding with you and they haven't so much as made a single sound in over an hour."

"Thought that a dead body was riding bitch with you?" I asked grasping my chin and moving my neck in a slightly disturbing way so that it would pop as well.

Kili laughed, apparently my deadpan comments amused him, "Of course not, I think you would've fallen off a long time ago."

"True, true." I nodded, I twisted around in my seat. _I should probably pop my back for good measure._ "Stay still for a moment would you?"

"Why?" Kili asked.

"I need to pop my back and require your shoulder as support." I replied as I put my hand on one of his shoulders and twisted to the left until about four or five pops and cracks emitted from my spine. I heard several dwarves nearby groan in either surprise, disgust, or pain. What it that loud?

"Doesn't that hurt at all, lass?" Oin, who was hard of hearing, didn't hear the cracks coming from my spine but saw the strange contortionist's move I had just performed.

"Nope." I replied, "It feels good in fact."

"It sounds painful though." Bofur grimaced at the thought that hearing cracks emit from someone back could be in any way pleasurable.

I shrugged, "Feels good to me, but then again I've been doing it for a while." I pointed over to Twitchy, "She's worse though."

Ori shook his head, "I don't think I want to find out."

"You don't." I simply said. I looked around, my eyes falling on Bilbo's troubled face. What was the little Burglar-Hobbit thinking about now? "What's wrong, Bilbo?" I hated calling attention to the little Hobbit, but curiosity killed the cat.

Bilbo turned to me, looking shocked that I had addressed him, "Oh! I was just thinking about what you said a couple of days ago, about how some of these Mary Sues can come back to life again. Have you seen it happen?"

"This is my third day on the job, I don't have much first-hand experience with it happening, but there's been several fanfictions out there that have deliberately and knowingly brought their characters back to life for the sake of their poorly developed plot." I explained. The first part of my answer seemed to worry the poor Hobbit, as he now had an almost panicked expression on his face.

"Do...do you think that might happen?" Bilbo asked.

"It's definitely possible," seeing his worried look, I quickly added, "but chances are slim. Most of the time when the Sue-thor, the creator of the Mary Sue, or anyone else kills off a Sue, they stay dead. There's been some notorious examples where the Sue kept coming back, but those happened years and years ago, and in those cases the Sue-thor just disappears. However; their fanfiction stays immortalized in people's minds mostly being used as cheap or crude humor, or even sometimes serving as examples of what writers should not do."

Bilbo nodded in understanding, looking slightly relaxed at the fact that the chances of a Sue coming back from the dead were small. One thing that still concerned me about the matter, and I had been avoiding this subject for a long time; if they're undead, how the hell do we kill them? This kind of thing didn't exactly come with a manual like zombie apocalypses now did. Sure, it might work the same way as zombies, but what if it didn't? We had Twitchy, a demon of my own creation, with us. Would that be enough to fight off something like an undead Mary Sue? I kept hoping that it would, but that stupid pessimistic thinking resurrected that sinking feeling in my stomach again. There was a chance that it wouldn't work, so then how would we fight back? The close range weapons that everyone possessed were way too dangerous, and our ranged weapons would take too long. Gandalf might be able to help, but he didn't have too much experience with Mary Sues, so as much as I hated to say this, I doubted Gandalf's abilities to deal with a situation like undead Mary Sues. Not only that, I doubted everyone's abilities, even mine and Twitchy's. The holy water I carried with me might be able to do some damage, but I didn't want to waste it all should we really need to use it. Call me nuts, but I didn't think that an undead Mary Sue called for holy water. You know, seeing as how they're already _dead_ and all.

I kept mulling over these thoughts as we rode on into the evening. The sun was beginning the set behind us, casting long shadows of us and the ponies on the dirt. Looking behind me to maybe catch a glimpse of the sunset, I saw something disturbing out of the corner of my eye behind Bombur. It quickly darted out of my field of view. Leaning a little ways forward, I stared back into the growing darkness in the forest we were leaving behind. Bombur noticed my intense staring into the forest behind us and stole a quick look for himself. I assume he didn't see anything because he turned back with a slight frown on his face and shrugged. I shrugged back in reply, but I kept a watchful eye behind us, just to make sure my (and Bilbo's) greatest fear wouldn't become reality.

I soon got tired of my weird position and sat upright again, still watching the darkening forest, hoping that whatever I had just saw would show itself again to assure myself that I'm not going insane, but at the same time willing that it _was_ nothing and my mind was just playing tricks on me. To try and calm my nerves, I remembered a few songs that I liked back at home and started playing those over in my head to try and get my mind off whatever was out there. Unconsciously moving my head to the rhythm of the songs I played and mouthing the words, I quickly distracted myself from the dark mass of something that I had seen earlier and focused more on remembering the lyrics and acoustics to Slipknot's "People = Shit."

Thorin soon called for the company to stop and make camp for the night, assigning Twitchy and Bifur for the first watch. I hopped off Kili's pony somewhat clumsily and removed my pack from the overburdened beast. Cursing at the slight stinging and burning pain in my feet from where I had landed wrong while dismounting, I walked around the campsite to find a place to hunker down for the night. I could be a pretty unsociable person at times, and chose a soft spot that was a little ways away from the rest of the company. I could tolerate being in close quarters with a big group of people for only so long. After a while, I got claustrophobic and irritable. I had even unintentionally snapped at Dori once when he asked me why I was so tense.

Walking over to Twitchy to retrieve the blankets we had been given upon our first night with the dwarves I saw something black out of the corner of my eye again. Twitchy looked as if she had seen it too, because she went into a slightly crouched position and stared at the exact same place I was looking. Twitchy lightly sniffed the air, but must not have picked up on anything. She warily turned away from the tree line growling lowly, warning whatever was out there to not get close.

"You saw that, didn't you?" I asked her.

Twitchy nodded grimly, "Yeah, I don't know what it was though. I thought I was going more insane than I already am."

I scoffed, that was impossible, "We might need to figure out a way to get the Ghost Stooges here, we might have a demon other than you following us around."

Twitchy sniggered at my sarcastic reply, and I chuckled at the thought of the Ghost Adventures Crew arriving in Middle Earth and not knowing what to do because none of their advanced equipment didn't work. That or everyone would be so fascinated with it that they would ask so many questions it would grind them all to the ground.

"I'll keep an eye out, Mama." Twitchy tapped my shoulder in an attempt of reassurance, "If anything weird is out there I'll tell you."

I nodded, "Good."

"What's next after this?" Twitchy eagerly asked. I knew she was referring to the part of the movie with the trolls. She absolutely loved that part to pieces.

I shrugged for probably the hundredth time that day, "I don't know. We might have to wait a while before we get to the trolls. If you see a destroyed farmer's house, you'll know." Twitchy didn't seem too satisfied with the fact that she'd have to wait for her favorite part, but it would give her something to do. She could keep a lookout for the unfortunate farmer's house while she was waiting. It was almost too easy keeping Twitchy entertained.

Walking back over to my borrowed bedroll I dropped off the blankets and went over to sit with the rest of the company at least for dinner before going off on my own again. I helped Bombur out a little bit, much to his pleasure, even though I was only cutting up vegetables. As I was helping I couldn't help but look around every so often. I tried to do it discretely so that I wouldn't put anyone else on edge with my paranoia. However Bilbo, curse that Hobbit and his observation skills, picked up that I was deeply worried about something being out in the wild, and kept looking over his shoulder toward where Twitchy was standing every so often to make sure there was nothing there. It didn't ease his nerves at all however, because every time the two of us looked, Twitchy was edging closer and closer to the tree line, and while we couldn't see her face, every so often if we strained our ears we could hear her low, warning growl.

"I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight knowing that something's out there, especially with how Twitchy is reacting to it." Bilbo said, his voice quavering ever so slightly. I said nothing in reply. We heard Twitchy growl again and take another step towards the trees. Bifur, who was a reasonable distance away but still within earshot, was either ignoring her or remained blissfully unaware like the rest of the company.

Something was definitely following us. Problem was, none of us were sure as to what the hell is was and why Twitchy didn't pick up a scent.

**Author's Rambling: Sorry it's taken me so long to update this P.O.S. From now on hopefully this thing won't be updated to similar consistency of frozen molasses. Thank you guys for the reads, reviews, and such and such so far!**

**Hope you guys liked this chapter. Please review to let me know how it is. As the author of this monstrosity I am my own worst enemy when it comes to writing.**

**Thanks Minions, have a good evening...or morning depending on what part of the world you live in.**

**-Alex**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's PSA: I've decided to do the totally nonobligatory act of addressing some of the most recent reviews at the beginning of the chapter for my own amusement. If it doesn't go well I'll stop doing it. :)**

_ObsieVaton (guest):_ "I love this story!"** [Hooray!]**

_Arla Logan:_ "I actually haven't read/watched the Hobbit so I can't really say if the characters are OOC, but I do like your OCs, especially Twitchy:-D The one minor thing I spotted was where you wrote "Twitchy looked as if he had been it too, because he went into..." I believe you introduced Twitchy as a girl and it should be 'seen' not 'been'. Anyways, I like your story so far and hope to find out who the mysterious stalker is:-)" **[I like newcomers, and I appreciate that you've taken a liking to Twitchy. Thank you. And I've spotted the errors and fixed them, thanks for telling me about those. Thanks for reading!]**

_Fire-loving-fox:_ "I like where this story is going. I especially like Twitchy. If you ever need someone to bounce ideas off of, or just someone to proof read, let me know. I love to read stories like this one. And the bit with the map? That made me laugh for while. I have to remember that one for life-sues. (Like Mary-sues, but unfortunately you can only defeat them with sarcasm and wit.)" **[People have definitely seem to be taking a liking to Twitchy. That actually kind of surprises me to say the least. And I may take you up on that offer. When I have no clue. And with the map bit, the truth is that I actually was free writing and that whole scene happened. That was literally just my brain going a hundred miles an hour and me typing away like a spaz.]**

_Sock Sowachowaki:_ "**SCREAMING** YOU CONTINUED IT. PLEASE PROCEED TO CONTINUE THIS. I love it I love it I love it-" **[Don't worry, I will. And thank you thank you thank you for reading. :D]  
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><p>The next few days did nothing to ease my nerves about our unknown stalker. I kept seeing the damn thing out of the corner of my eye, only to have it dart out of my sight before I can get a good look of what it was. I was started to get incredibly paranoid, Bilbo wasn't all right with the matter himself; constantly looking over his shoulder or looking to me as if I had any idea of what was happening. Twitchy had taken to the trees, lying to the company by saying that it would give her a better vantage point when really she was on the lookout for anyone or anything suspicious. Every so often we'd hear one of the branches rustling only to look up and find Twitchy scrambling from tree to tree like some overgrown mutant squirrel. Luckily for the three of us, the rest of the company had for the most part been blissfully unaware of the mysterious stalker. Knowing the wizard however, Gandalf probably already picked up on our uneasiness but just wasn't bringing any attention to it.<p>

As of late we hadn't run into too many Mary Sues, so the last few days were, for the most part, pretty relaxing in comparison to earlier in the week. Everyone was starting to become a lot more comfortable travelling under the constant threat of those demons ever since Twitchy and I proved that we could handle it. However; the relaxation only lasted a day, and I was starting to get antsy almost desperate for work, and the stalker was _not_ helping at all.

Sighing in boredom, and wishing I had a book to read, I just stared straight ahead over Ori's shoulder. Wondering and wishing in vain that we would stop again or that a Mary Sue would show themselves. I could've probably turned on my phone and played some Sudoku to kill time since the app didn't waste too much battery life, but I really didn't want to risk having to go into another three hour long explanation of twenty-first century technology. I already explained computers, televisions, and automobiles, I _really_ didn't want to launch into an explanation of how Android phones work and tell the history of mobile phones, and phones in general. While my audience was enthralled by my stories of modern life and technologies, something that I deeply appreciated, it got really old really fast.

We had reached a pretty blank area by this time, so there weren't too many trees for Twitchy to leap from, so she dropped to the ground several yards ahead of us. With a quick nod at the company, she took off on foot to look ahead, quickly disappearing from sight.

"I wonder if she'll find anything." Ori mused in front of me.

I shrugged, forgetting the fact that I was riding backseat so he wouldn't've been able to see, "Maybe, but business has been pretty slow. The most she might find will probably some unfortunate rabbit."

"Perhaps we should stop here and await her return," Gandalf called out, "just in case she _does_ find something."

_He's implying the stalker Twitchy, Bilbo and I have been keeping our eyes out for._ I thought to myself after letting his words sink in. _Hopefully no one else picks up on it._ I looked around to the other dwarves, analyzing the looks on the faces I could see to find out if anyone was even remotely suspicious or confused. Thankfully, human curiosity, or lack thereof, was on my side.

We all sat waiting for quite a while. Ten minutes had passed and Twitchy still had not come back. It shouldn't've taken her that long, unless she found to old farmer's house and, with her excitement getting the better of her, was now searching for the location where her favorite scene was going to take place. I could pretty much suspect that now a few dwarves were getting a little impatient with Twitchy's tardiness, shifting in their saddles and sighing exasperatedly.

"What's taking her so long?" Nori asked.

"She should've been back by now." Dori added.

I shook my head, starting to get a little worried. _Twitch, where are you? Get your ass back here._

Suddenly, a bloodcurdling scream cut through the stiff silence that had fallen over the group. The scream sounded horribly familiar.

"What happened?" Bilbo cried, panicked.

"What that a Mary Sue?" Kili asked.

"No." I replied, my voice slightly strangled.

Well, Kili and I were both half right and wrong. There was, indeed, a Mary Sue, and this one had gotten the better of Twitchy somehow. Unfortunately, Twitchy was the one who had screamed. The new Mary Sue came sprinting toward us, desperate to get away from Twitchy, who came charging after her, wielding a small dagger and bleeding profusely from a leg wound. It looked as if maybe the Mary Sue had attacked Twitchy when her back was turned and was able to stab her in the leg.

Twitchy looked positively demonic, if such a feat was even possible for her. Her eyes had gone pitch black due to her rage, her lips curled far over her teeth almost to the point where her gums might've been seen, and her claws extended to their full and frightening five inch length. Her loud snarls startled everyone, and made even _my _cold run ice cold. At some split second points they didn't even sound like snarls, more like a strange combination of a banshee screaming and a lion roaring.

The newest Mary Sue, terrified past the point of no return, sprinted by everyone, not even acknowledging that our merry little band of misfits was Thorin Oakenshield's company. In the one second glance that I managed to get of her, I deduced that she might've been created as a wandering ranger of the North. Her slightly tattered clothes was the first hint, and her plethora of weapons was the second.

Twitchy tore after the Mary Sue with alarming speed that I couldn't have imagined her reaching, screaming and snarling with unprecedented rage with entire time. It took Twitchy only a few seconds to catch up to her.

_"I WILL FUCKING SCALP YOU, YOU MOTHERFUCKING BITCH!"_

My eyes widened to the size of quarters at her threat. Due to the outstanding circumstances, there was no doubt in my mind that Twitchy would act on that truly morbid threat. By the time she made that threat she had tackled the Sue to the ground and was pounding her face into a nearby tree trunk repeatedly, ignoring the Sue's cries for mercy.

"We should get out of here." I said quickly.

"But - "

"_Now._" I pressured, not even trying to figure out who was protesting, "Seriously, this is going to be _ugly_. Just leave Twitchy to it. She'll meet up with us later." When I finished speaking I heard the Sue scream at the top of her lungs. I didn't dare turn around, but from the looks on some of the guys faces, I was way better off not knowing.

"Let's move." Thorin ordered, having bore witness to whatever Twitchy had done to the Sue. Just as his command was given and we started setting off, another piercing scream from the Sue tore through the landscape. Everyone spurred their ponies to pick up the pace to get away from the scene faster.

**Twitchy**

Damn, things were getting boring. Nothing was happening except for the shady person that was following us like some dirty pedo. We hadn't seen a Mary Sue in a few days, and the damn thing wouldn't show itself and fight.

These stupid thoughts kept invading my already messed up head as I ran through the trees like a badass, stopping only a few times to make sure I wasn't getting too far ahead of the snails below me.

There was that fucker again, running in and out of my sight. _Come out and fight you goddamn piece of shit._

_'You know, they could be dangerous.'_

_ 'Who cares? They're the ones pissing us off.'_

_ 'Yes, but, we don't even know what they are.'_

_ 'We damn well know what they are, they're a Mary Sue.'_

_ 'He's got a point, you know. Isn't that what they're hunting? And why Twitchy and her mother are even a part of Thorin's company?'_

_ 'They _aren't_ hunting. The Sues keep finding the company.'_

_ 'How though?'_

_ 'How the hell should I know!?'_

"Fuck off." I muttered. Stupid voices. Not now, you fuckers. I'm trying to focus...Goddammit, too late.

I clawed at the tree branch I had almost fell short of and nearly fell onto the ground. These stupid voices in my head kept interrupting everything I did. I somehow managed to get back up on the branch, only to see the fucker dart behind a tree again. Growling, I jumped to another tree branch trying to see the thing from a different angle. Didn't work. It never did. Damn it. This thing is _really _pissing me off, more than the fucking wizard and his riddles, and the goddamn 'I'm-so-entitled-to-that-fucking-mountain' king.

_'They're not bad people, if anything - '_

"Shut up, Patricia."

The trees had cleared out and I was forced to walk on the ground again. Well damn, I like being in the trees; gives me the element of surprise. At least that's what Benedict tells me. I jumped down and landed a ways away from the company, nodded and took off for the clearing ahead. I've pretty much become the scout for this group, and I am not proud of that. I'd much rather be with Mama, or one of my brothers, or in front of a T.V. watching Jerry Springer. Heh, those morons were crazier than I was.

Wait, is that the farmers house? Oh _hell_ yeah it is! I grinned, I love the part with the mountain trolls! Jogging ahead, it looked as if the trolls had already gotten the family. I felt sad for a little bit, but hey - monsters gotta eat. Mama told me that if I was patient we'd get there soon...Mama should really remember that she didn't make me to be patient. That's her thing.

Not wanting to go back to the company any time soon, I took the time exploring. It's not like there was any immediate danger behind us. Well, except Mary Sues, the orc party they don't know about yet, and whatever that shadowy thingamajig was, but who cares right now? Fucking _trolls_ man.

I heard something behind me, son of a bitch did one of those idiots follow me? Naw, I would've heard and smelled the pony and the dwarf. Sniffing the air, there wasn't much, just a few rabbits off a few hundred yards. But those weren't lucky rabbit feet, those were -

"Fucking son of a motherfucking bitch!" I turned around and saw a fucking assassin-like someone running straight for me, yelling something in some language. Bitch, you think you can speak in tongues - go get possessed by Satan. How did I not smell this bitch?

They lunged for me again, swinging a dagger my way as they continued to speak in whatever language. Jumping backward, I hit my head on one of the walls of the house that hadn't completely crumbled yet. Fuck, that hurt. I spun away from the dagger, hearing the sharp ding as it hit the stone wall right where my head had been.

Extending my claws a little bit further, I launched my own attack. Crouching low and pouncing, the person dodged and threw their dagger my way. In a moment I'm probably never going to repeat, I kicked the thing away like some kind of pro soccer player. Crouching again, I circled the person, watching them as they pulled out another dagger. Fucker's got more hidden weapons than an actual assassin, the fuck is that bullshit?

Snarling, I lunged for the person again, this time they weren't so lucky in getting away. I tackled them into the dirt and made to claw away at their face when I felt something enter my leg. Something cold, and something that hurt like a bitch. This son of a bitch just stabbed me.

I had been stabbed before, but I had a feeling that this person poisoned their blades, because this stab hurt a hell of a lot more. It burned, and it felt like my flesh was melting and my vision was starting to go foggy. Fuck, a fast action poison.

Doing the only thing I could do at that point, I screamed in pain. Sure, the poisons not gonna affect me too bad, but it still hurt like a bitch. Being a demon had it's perks, two being that you heal faster and any attempts of someone killing me by poisoning do down the drain. There's none for pain though. And I hate that.

My attacker was standing over me, having been freed from me after making a cheap shot, or stab, to my leg. The bitch finally had the balls to talk to me in English.

"You have caused enough trouble, daemon. You and your _mother_. So here will end your meddling." I barely saw the person smirk. Shit, my vision was getting worse. I fell to the ground, still cursing the pain in my leg. "As we speak, another assassin is going after your so-called 'mama.'"

Oh _fuck_ no, you bitch. Not. My. Mama.

My vision returned, and with it so did my strength. Rage was fueling me, as it always did when someone did me wrong. And boy, did this bitch do me wrong. I don't give a flying fuck that I had their fucking dagger in my leg. They just threatened _my_ Mama. No. Fucking. Way. This bitch was going to pay.

Standing up, and surprising this two-bit 'assassin', I forcibly removed the dagger from my leg. Whoever said to not remove an obstruction from a stab wound or something like that trash: fuck them right now. A little bleeding stab wound isn't going to stop me from handing this bitch's ass to them on a silver platter. Bleeding, but not feeling a goddamn thing, I snarled and charged at the person.

"You forget one thing." I snarled after the person as they ran for their pitiful life, "I'm a demon. Like you said. Not only that, but _someone_ had the sense to make me in the image of their own personal demons." We were getting closer to the company, I could smell them. _"You can't kill a personal demon, bitch!"_ I had finished my "inspirational" speech just as we reached the company. I didn't even see anyone's faces I was too focused on the assassin in front of me.

_"I WILL FUCKING SCALP YOU, YOU MOTHERFUCKING BITCH!" _I snarled. I quickly gained on the assassin and tackled them to the ground. Picking them up by the hair and smashing their face into a tree. The bitch had the nerve to beg and cry for mercy, like _hell_ I'm giving it to you. The only mercy I'm going to show you is _killing you_, and you better fucking pray it's not slowly. Too bad I was already planning on it.

Throwing them away from me, I threw their dagger at their leg. They screamed and hit the deck, feeling my pain. For a split second I really hoped that my body didn't absorb all the poison. But, it's not like that was a requirement, they were gonna die anyway. Slowly. Painfully. Just the way I fucking like it.

I stalked over to the person and ripped the dagger out of their leg, making damn sure that I 'struggled' with it a little bit to really tear up their leg. They screamed louder, and the scream only served to push me forward in my kill. Upon removing the dagger from their one leg, I stabbed the other, tearing the blade down to their knee before ripping it out. Dropping the blade I picked them up by the shoulders, making sure to dig in my claws into the pressure points. Almost ignoring their screams and cries in agony and mercy, I sank my jagged teeth into their neck, making sure to not bite down into to jugular. Not yet. I need to make this bitch suffer.

I dropped them to the ground, watching them bleed out for a second before kicking them in the face to make them go down. I picked the blade up from the bloodstained grass and picked them up by the hair again, they were fading. Their existence was fading. They still had enough strength, though, to hiss at me.

"You won't get all of us. I wasn't even the one following you."

Leaning in close, my face only centimeters away from theirs, I snarled back, "Then you better hope that they take your death as a fucking warning." Flipping the knife in my hand, I held it close to their hairline, ready to fulfill my promise to them.

"Bye bye, motherfucker." In one swift movement, the blade dug into their scalp and ran down the length of their skull, removing not only hair, but several layers of skin. As they fell, I swiped the blade across their throat, slitting it. Just for good measure. The assassin fell dead, their corpse bathing in their own blood.

I turned around and raised their detached scalp in the air, "See this!? This is what'll happen if you harm any one of my friends!" Throwing the scalp into the air, I waited until the hang-time before launching the dagger at my target. The dagger caught the excess skin and was embedded into the closest tree. A warning sign.

The searing pain in my leg returned when I started coming down from my adrenaline high. God_damn_ this hurt like a bitch. I limped away from the scene, closing in on the company who had settled at the farmer's house. Gandalf had already stormed away from the camp wanting to be away from the dwarves. Can't say I blame the old guy.

I made a beeline for the wizard when I knew he was out of the minds of the company. If anyone had to know right now, aside from Mama, it was Gandalf. He stopped short and his eyes widened at the blood that stained my clothes and pumped from my leg wound. I didn't allow him to speak.

"That shady fucker ain't workin' alone." I hissed under my breath. Knowing that he fully understood, I limped toward the campsite. Growling and hissing at the open wound in my leg that was really beginning to feel like a royal bitch with every step of the way. Hopefully Mama or Oin had something for poisoned leg wounds.

There is was again, another flash of black. How many of those fuckers are there?

"Son of a bitch." I snarled as I collapsed into the grass from blood loss. The only thing I remembered were Mama, Bilbo, and a few dwarves running over before passing out.

**Alex**

I did not know nor want to know what Twitchy was doing to the Mary Sue, nor did I want to know what she did to set off Twitchy like that. The blood that we discovered upon arriving at the farmer's house was a hint as to what happened, but that definitely wasn't everything. Twitchy never got _that_ furious when someone injured her. Normally she would just easily regain her strength enough to slice their throat open with her claws, but this time outright _hunted down_ the Sue and was probably now doing unspeakable, gruesome things to her. There was definitely something else that set Twitchy off, but what it was I was almost too scared to find out from Twitchy herself when she eventually found her way back.

Looking around to the others, especially those that had been unfortunate enough to have turned around and seen part of Twitchy's horrid acts, they all looked terrified. In the week we had been travelling with them, they had seen Twitchy angry quite a few times, but her rage was never quite to that scale. The closest they had gotten to witnessing her truest rage was when the first ever Sue threatened my life.

That had to have been it. The most recent Sue must've threatened my life, and that coupled with injuring her must've really set Twitchy off the deep end. Thinking of this, I wondered about the true identity of our stalker, and if the person Twitchy encountered was them. Who were they? What was their purpose? Were they even a Mary Sue? There were too many questions running through my mind at this point. They kept on nagging me however to the point where I completely missed Gandalf's argument with Thorin and the former storming off to look ahead. I didn't notice Bilbo approach me.

"Alex?" he said, "Is there something wrong?"

I nodded mutely, I didn't really know what to say at this point. These shadows kept darting in and out of our line of sight. Worse, we still didn't know what had happened to Twitchy. I really hope she was alright.

Bilbo spoke again, "Do you think that person, the one Twitchy was chasing, was the one who has been following us for a few days?"

"I don't know. I didn't get a good look of them." I answered, looking out in the direction Gandalf had left. Something caught my eye, in the distance near him. Squinting, I saw a limping, scraggly form making its way toward the wizard. The figure stopped for just a second before limping toward us.

"Is...is that...Twitchy?" Bilbo asked. His voice was quavering, either in fear or concern. If it was either one or both I wouldn't blame him. I, too, was slightly scared of Twitchy because of what she might've done, and at the same time I was concerned because she had been bleeding profusely from her leg and was now limping pretty heavily, favoring the injured leg.

"It has to be." I started walking forward, Bilbo and a few other dwarves that had overheard the last part of our conversation tagging along close behind me. Drawing closer we saw that it was Twitchy. Relieved, the five of us that strayed away from the campsite picked up the pace a little to meet her halfway and help her out. Our relief quickly vanished when we saw Twitchy collapse into the ground dead to the world.

"Twitch!" I yelled, now running toward her. The others followed, equally curious and concerned that _Twitchy,_ a _demon,_ had been brought down by a wound.

Twitchy had collapsed on her front, completely still. It took a bit of effort on our end to roll her over on her back, she being easily five feet nine inches and one hundred forty pounds or more. When we accomplished our task, we were affronted by the strong smell of poison, as Oin identified it, from her leg wound. Holy shit, the Sue had poisoned daggers on her? That kind of thing happened pretty often in fanfiction, but I didn't know we would becoming across it this early.

"We'll have to stitch this up." Oin informed.

"Don't." I said.

"Are you mad?" Fili cried, "She's been poisoned!"

"She's also a demon," I said tersely, "She'll heal a lot faster without our interference. Also, if you stitch it up you'll be trapping the poison inside. It's better to just stop the bleeding as best we can and let her body fight of any infection."

The others looked at me in surprise that I had refused to help Twitchy beyond just stopping the bleeding, but they respected the fact that I knew a lot more about Twitchy than they did. "Alright," Oin said, "we'll do it your way, you know her better than we do, lass." Turning to Fili and Kili he said, "Come on lads, let's carry her back, best not to drag her lest we aggravate her wound further."

The two brothers carefully picked up the unconscious Twitchy and carried back to the campsite before going off to watch the ponies for the night. Oin, Bilbo and I worked together to stop the bleeding in Twitchy's leg. The Sue had unfortunately, and at the same time luckily, stabbed Twitchy dangerously close to the femoral artery. She wouldn't bleed out, but it was enough to cause severe bleeding and her inevitable loss of consciousness. Blood clots had already started to form to naturally stop the bleeding, but whatever Twitchy was doing to the Sue had prolonged the process. I don't know how she managed to stay standing for as long as she did with a wound like that. Sure, endorphins and adrenaline were incredible natural painkillers, but either way I would have to ask her how in the holy blue hell she was able to stay awake.

After Twitchy's wound had been bandaged we all stood up and traversed to the nearby creek to wash the blood off our hands. Upon our return, dinner was already being prepared, and most of everyone were settling down for the night's meal before curling up and going to sleep. When food was ready, I took a bowl over to Twitchy and placed it beside her, leaving it for her should she wake up sometime in the night.

Then I remembered, this was the same night that we were going to encounter the trolls. Looking back at Twitchy's unconscious form, I felt sorry that she might miss out on her favorite part, even if that meant she would be one of the ones stuffed in a smelly burlap sack or tied to a stick over a bonfire. I almost wanted to try and wake her up, but I thought better of it. Twitchy had definitely had enough excitement for today, and even though she would be angry about it when she did wake up, it was for the better that she would just get some sleep before we set off again.

I refused the food offer from Bofur, too much had happened and after smelling the foul poison stench from Twitchy's open wound I wasn't feeling hungry at all. Instead, I took the bowl and accompanied Bilbo into the forest to find Fili and Kili and give them their share of food. Full well knowing what awaited us, I tried to keep a straight face. The troll scene, like Twitchy, was one of my preferred parts of the movie too.

When we had found them, they had the trademark thousand yard stare. Bilbo, oblivious to what was going on asked, "What's the matter?"

"We're supposed to be looking out for the ponies." Kili replied, his voice sounding almost frantic.

"Only we've encountered a...slight problem." Fili continued, sounding calmer than his brother.

"We _had_ sixteen."

"Now there's fourteen."

No matter how many times I watched this scene, I was always amazed at how they managed to lose two ponies to trolls. "You guys had _one_ job." I muttered low enough so they wouldn't hear. Fili and Kili took off to investigate, and a flustered Bilbo followed close behind, still holding a wooden bowl of stew. I took off after them a few seconds later, sauntering behind them calm as ever.

"Daisy and Bungo are missing." Kili informed the two of us. In spite of myself, and the fact that I had seen the movie about half a dozen times, I couldn't help but be extremely concerned for the welfare of the ponies. Being an animal lover definitely had its place in my life, but now was not the time for it to fog my mind.

"Well that's not good." Bilbo began, and upon stumbling across an uprooted tree he added, "And that is not good at all. Shouldn't we tell Thorin?"

_Not unless you want to be on the receiving end of his fury._ I thought as I climbed up onto the fallen tree for my own amusement.

"Uh, no," Fili replied, almost as if he had heard my thoughts, "let's not worry him. As our official burglar we thought you might look into it." I sat down cross legged on the tree's massive trunk with my head propped up with my hands, just listening to the conversation.

"Well, uh...looks like some-something big uprooted these trees." Bilbo observed.

_Thank you Captain Obvious, we'll call you when we want to know about hotel room prices._ I started rattling off comments in my head almost as if I were commentating the actual movie.

"That was our thinking." Kili agreed.

"Something very big, and possibly quite dangerous." Bilbo added hurriedly. I found myself thinking '_no shit Sherlock_'.

"Hey!" Fili silently called to us, "There's a light over there. Stay down." As Kili and Bilbo gathered around the log to investigate the light. I heard something creeping through the forest behind me.

Turning around, I discovered Twitchy. She had woken up, and a lot earlier than I expected. She had fashioned herself my own hiking stick from my pack and was leaning heavily on it, probably still in pain from the leg wound. Her face was slightly contorted in pain from putting weight on her leg was a dead giveaway.

"Twitch, you should be asleep." I said as sternly as I could, "You took a poisoned knife to the thigh, you shouldn't be walking."

Twitchy spat on the ground in defiance, "If you think I'm gonna miss my favorite part of this clusterfuck, you're wrong." She finished with her trademark Glasgow smile, "I'm not gonna let this fucking leg get me down." She stalked off the best she could to join the three musketeers in their investigation. The three saw her coming and openly invited her to join them, probably hoping that alongside Bilbo she might be able to help some. I wondered why they would even make that offer, but then I realized that they might've taken what I said about Twitchy healing fast a little too seriously. That, and Twitchy was trying her absolute hardest to not show any pain and tried to disguise her limp.

"What is it?" I could hear Bilbo ask when I got close enough.

"Trolls." Kili replied darkly. Twitchy's face broke into an even wider grin. Pain long since forgotten, she darted off with the two to get a closer look, leaving Bilbo and I to catch up.

Along the way, Bilbo asked, "Are you sure Twitchy is alright?"

"She isn't." I snapped, "She's just ridiculously stubborn, rebellious, and brash."

Bilbo nodded, right as we neared the others we heard the unmistakable thumping, earth quaking stomps of the troll returning back to his brothers with two other ponies.

"He's got Myrtle and Minty!" Bilbo exclaimed, "I think they're going to eat them. We have to do something." The new three musketeers looked up at Bilbo, and though two of them couldn't see it, Twitchy was grinning like a ghoul behind their backs.

"Yes; you should." Kili stood up and took one of the bowls of stew from Bilbo and said, "Mountain trolls are slow and stupid and you're so small." Twitchy started to snicker slightly as Kili ignored Bilbo's protests, "They'll never see you. It's perfectly safe! We'll be right behind you." _Lies, Kili. All lies from the fiery abyss._

Fili straightened up slightly to seize the other bowl from Bilbo and send him off with instructions, "If you run into trouble, hoot twice like a barn owl and once like a brown owl." Bilbo, having lived quite the sheltered life, became very flustered and got the instructions mixed up pretty quickly. Twitchy, still ignoring the fact that she was pretty severely injured, hopped over the log to join Bilbo, to which the brothers had some words to say.

"Brilliant!" Kili exclaimed, "See Bilbo? Twitchy will be with you the whole way, it's perfectly safe."

"You'll have nothing to worry about when she's with you." Fili added.

I took a couple steps forward and unsheathed my multi-tool, handing it off to Bilbo. "Just in case, there's two knives and a miniature saw." I told him, showing him exactly where the knives and saw were before putting the tool in his hand, "It won't help you in a fight, but it'll help when it comes to cutting ropes and getting out of a tangle."

"You're not coming with us?" Bilbo asked, his eyes widening. After this afternoon's events I guess he was a little nervous to be left alone with Twitchy.

I was about to reply no, but I looked behind me and noticed that the brothers had completely ditched the area. I didn't really know how to get back without being seen, having a not-so-great sense of direction. I narrowed my eyes and glared in the general direction I thought that the two had gone, not at all pleased about being left behind to be bait to for the trolls.

"Now I am." I sharply turned around and followed Twitchy toward the trolls' makeshift dining area. Twitchy had abandoned the walking stick a while back and tried her best to walk tall and straight. She might've fooled Fili and Kili, but she wasn't fooling me; I knew she was in excruciating pain.

The trolls had launched into their conversation about their availability of food and what's-one-faces cooking. I think his name was Bert...yeah. Bilbo, Twitchy and I cautiously slunk around the clearing toward the ramshackle pen that the four ponies had been unceremoniously dropped in. Bilbo, forgetting that he had my tool in his coat pocket, started to go to work on attempting to untie the knots. Twitchy had the slightly better idea of unsheathing one of her own claws and trying to cut the ropes like that. Unfortunately, neither plans were working out; the knots were too tight and Twitchy's claws were too smooth-surfaced.

"Dammit." Twitchy cursed under her breath. Regretting her action in thinking it was too loud, she covered her own mouth.

"Use the serrated knife." I hissed at Bilbo, but the poor Hobbit didn't hear me, and noticed the sickly troll's (William, I think his name was), weird looking sword. He started nervously making his way toward it, turning back around when the troll made the slightest movement.

"Idiot." Twitchy snapped and tried at the ropes again with her claws, this time going at it from a different angle. She worked at the ropes for a while, getting angrier and angrier every time her tricks failed, and the ponies were progressively becoming more and more nervous.

Before either of us knew it, we heard Bilbo cry out and a loud, nauseating sneeze. I cringed, knowing that poor Bilbo Baggins was on the receiving end of that. Twitchy and I turned around to look at the spectacle. Twitchy's grin had long since faded from her face, and it was now replaced with one of worry. Probably thinking that watching this through a screen was all fun and laughs, but actually being a part of it, and being injured no less, was a lot less amusing. At least, that was definitely what _I_ was thinking.

"Blimey! Bert! Bert! Look what's come out of me hooter!" The sickly troll William cried. The other trolls, Bert and Tom I remembered, gathered around to see a mucous-covered Bilbo lying stock still in shock at what he just experienced. I felt the inexplicable urge to vomit.

"What is it?" Tom asked.

"I don't know, but I don't like the way it wriggles around!" William dropped Bilbo to the ground. Twitchy let out a small growl, causing the other trolls to look around in curiosity.

"You hear that?" Bert asked none of his brothers in particular. Shrugging when he didn't get an answer, he turned his attention back to Bilbo, who had been trying to escape. "What are you then, an oversized squirrel?" _Does he even look like a squirrel you numbnut?_ I caught myself thinking. Geez, I really need to learn how to turn off to sarcasm.

"I'm a burglar - Hobbit!" Bilbo stammered, terrified of the trolls.

"A Burglar-Hobbit?"

"Can we cook him?"

"We can try!" The trolls started stumbling all around trying to get a good grip on Bilbo. At first, he starts to run toward us, Twitchy held out her clawed hand to try and encourage him, but one of the trolls catches him first and dangles him by his legs. Twitchy, obviously not liking the way things we going and that the poor defenseless Hobbit was about to have his toes roasted, snarled at the trolls. The trolls abruptly turned around to find Twitchy and I crouched by the ponies.

"What-what is that?" William asked nervously, pointing at Twitchy. She only snarled back in response, buying a certain dwarf enough time to surprise the trolls.

Kili sliced his sword through William's leg, causing him to fall down in squeal in pain. The others, taken aback and furious at the dwarf's sudden appearance, did the only reasonable thing...took me hostage.

"Put! Me! Down! You! Mother! Fucker!" I screeched and kicked at the troll. This act only enraged Twitchy even more as she snarled and slashed at the troll's leg, then causing the dunderhead to drop me painfully onto the ground.

"Drop him!" I heard Kili command the trolls, trying his best - and succeeding, in his point of view - to be intimidating.

Twitchy hadn't gotten to me fast enough and the previous troll that had seized me picked me up again, "You what?" Looking side to side in panic, I saw Twitchy quickly climbing a tree, eyes blackened in anger and ready to pounce on the troll so that I'd be released again.

"I said: drop them!" Kili snarled in his own human way. In response, the trolls tossed both Bilbo and I into Kili, who managed to catch Bilbo while I skidded across the ground, effectively obtaining some cuts and bruises. Twitchy leapt from the tree just as the dwarves did from the bushes and attacked one of the trolls, scurrying her way across their leathery heads, clawing everything in her reach. The dwarves yelled out their battle cries and began to fight back the trolls.

Getting up was a difficult task, but I had to in order to accomplish the task I had in mind. Even though Gandalf would undoubtedly make his appearance, I thought it be best to run in the direction of his entrance and trace his steps backwards in the movie. This would most likely not work, but I was much more willing to get lost in my efforts to find Gandalf than risk being roasted over an open fire. Unsteadily getting to my feet, I staggered the first few steps before taking off, darting in between fighting dwarves and clumsy troll legs to get up the boulders and into the forest.

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><p><strong>Author's Rambling: Look at those horizontal lines, guys. I am such a n00b, I <em>just<em> figured out how to do those. *shoots foot***

**Thanks for reading everyone! If you have any questions, comments, criticisms, or what have you - go ahead and throw it all into a review. Unlike most people I actually check my Spam folder just to see what's there to feed my curiosity.**

**-A**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's PSA: **_**ALRIGHT GUYS, OPEN YOUR EYES AND MIND FOR A SECOND!**_

**There's two reasons this update is late as hell:**

**1) I had big-time writer's block. No joke, I'd write a couple of words and quit because I couldn't think of anything. School's been kicking my ass lately and I haven't gotten around to writing too much at the moment.**

**2) A CryptoWall virus infected my laptop and I lost **_**everything.**_** Think I'm joking? All my files are gone (yes, even the commentaries), most of my photos are gone, my music's gone, my games; EVERYTHING. I had forgotten to back up my system and CryptoWall got in my computer, encrypted all my files so I couldn't access them, and charged a king's ransom ($500 dollars upward) to get the encryption key. On top of that, my security system hadn't run a security scan since June 2014 - literally a month after I had received my laptop. This thing had probably been lying dormant for **_**months.**_

**I implore you guys: back up your systems **_**frequently.**_** I didn't think this would happen to me, but here I am now giving this PSA. Get an external drive and save copies of your files to that. I had to restore my laptop to factory settings in order to completely get rid of the virus, and now I have virtually nothing. I went from having 256 GB of data free to 426 GB out of a total 456 GB.**

**My dad worked from 6 a.m.-1 p.m. to get my computer back. Now I have an external drive **_**that STAYS unplugged**_** from my computer until I need it, because if it stays plugged in and CryptoWall comes back with a vengeance - the external drive will be affected as well. On a lighter note, I named it Smoke to go along with my PC Sub-Zero and cell phone Scorpion.**

**On an even lighter note this incident has fueled me with the rage to power through another chapter, especially since I'll be starting off with Twitchy's point of view.**

**Onward to the recent review responses:**

_Arla Logan_ says: "Wow, I would not like to face Twitchy when she's angry:-)" **[I wouldn't either, and I created the little bitch. ;P]**

_Guest_ says: "I love this so much! It takes my mind off of all the shit going on in my life right now." **[I'm glad you like it, and thanks for your support! I hope whatever's going on resolves itself. It sucks to read something like that. :(]**

_Sock Sowachowski (Guest)_ says: "I forgot to re-read the first chapter beforehand, but here we are- What does Twitchy look like, exactly? Earlier I was picturing her as a humanoid sort of animal, kind of like a furry, I guess? XD But now, after paying more attention to the details, I'm thinking of her as a human with animal-like characteristics and a muscular build. She wasn't really described in the intro, and I was wondering if you could provide so I may be able to imagine the story better. Thank you!  
>Sock, Who Is Much Too Lazy, Yet Again, To Log Into His Account" <strong>[I remember publishing a description of Twitchy (along with her brothers Stitchmouth and Sketch) on my profile, but I'll put one here in case anyone else is confused:<strong>

**Twitchy is a manifestation of several different characteristics of me. I volunteer with cats at an animal shelter: Twitchy's very **_**catlike**_**; maneuvering on all fours occasionally, having retractable claws, sharp teeth, yellowish glowing eyes, etc. I've got a slight tick in my neck: Twitchy has that to a more dramatic degree, and sometimes experiences convulsions. I had imaginary friends and sometimes talk out scenarios alone in my room: Twitchy talks to herself (much like Gollum does), hears voices in her head (of which she names and gives specific characteristics), and is criminally insane.**

**When it comes to physical appearance, you are right in saying she is human with animal like characteristics. I actually modeled her to look somewhat like me, I just tweaked incriminating details a bit. She was wild, unkempt, uneven light brown hair, is about five feet seven inches tall, about 140 pounds in weight, and her eyes are a pale yellow and glow in the dark (a characteristic common in night hunter mammals - they have what's called a 'shine' or tapedum lucidum, which causes their eyes to glow). Unlike natural human eyes, which have pupils and irises, Twitchy's eyes are completely blank. She has no pupils, and no distinguishable iris or sclera. Her eyes do darken when she experiences negative emotions such as anger or sadness, but rarely do they ever go completely black. However; if they do - **_**run for your life**_**.]**

**Now that that's done. Let's get onto the fanfiction:**

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><p><strong>Twitchy<strong>

_ Shit!_ I thought as I dodged another clumsy troll foot. I knew what was going to happen, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do to stop it. Chances were that I was going to join the dwarves in their burlap and fire rendezvous too. I don't like the thought of that. I slashed left and right at the trolls, leaping onto their backs and digging my claws in whenever someone had been picked up. The forest was full of battle cries, cries in pain, and roars and curses from the trolls.

All I could really think about was Mama. Where was she? Where'd she go? I saw her gimp off toward the small cliff side behind the spit, but I didn't know what she was up to. I hope she was going off to find Wonder Wizard and bring him back sooner than the movie would've played. I swear, when we get out of this, I was going to personally bash Fili and Kili's heads together. It's their fault that they got us into this mess. If they had just been watching the goddamn ponies like they were supposed to we wouldn't've been in this mess! I was going to kill Kili for not catching Mama, too. Yeah, yeah - Bilbo's burglar and all that shit - but I wasn't exactly in any situation to catch Mama myself now was I? Fucking motherfucker.

I didn't notice the trolls hand until it hit me full on, causing me to fly backward a few feet into some unknown person. _Did that fucking bitch just backhand me?_ Not even helping up the person I had fallen into I ran forward snarling and latched onto the troll's back. Fucking bitch was gonna pay for backhanding me like some unwanted stepchild. I sank my claws further and further into the troll's flesh, feeling very satisfied in the howls of pain I was getting in response. The whole situation turned into a goddamn rodeo from there.

The troll started running this way and that, reaching behind him to try and pick me off. I ducked every time his grubby paws came close to me. Climbing up, I thought about going for his eyes. Yeah, that'd be awesome. Put out his goddamn eyes. Sounds good to me.

Ignoring everything else around me, I steadily made my way up the troll's head (I think it was Curly I was crawling up). When I reached the top of his head, I removed my claws from his head and started randomly stabbing them into his face. I couldn't really aim of his eyes in my position, and I couldn't get closer to his face without putting myself in an awkward angle and risk falling off. The high pitched squeals of Curly cut through the air like a newly sharpened knife, meaning that I was at least hitting close to my target. I kept stabbing over and over until I was finally thrown off. I hit the ground hard enough to reopen my leg wound. Cursing, I lifted myself to my hands and knees and looked up to maybe hopefully see my handiwork. Curly was stumbling about, crashing into his brothers and wailing in pain. I can't even begin to describe my pleasure at hearing him scream in raw agony.

"BERT! BERT!" Curly cried into the night, "I CAN'T SEE!"

Oh fuck yeah. I did it. I made him blind. Mission accomplished.

I looked to my right just in time to see Bilbo cut the rope to free the ponies. To avoid getting trampled I scrambled to my feet and rejoined the fight. Working my way through the clusterfuck of dwarves and trolls, I found my way to another troll. Leaping up and latching onto his back like I did with Curly with the same intention of putting out his eyes. A brief roar pulled me away from my mission and I went crashing to the ground again as Larry made a sharp turn. I cursed the ground before collapsing onto my side after a failed attempt to get to my feet. The dwarves had stopped fighting altogether, and I briefly saw Bilbo being held captive my his hands and feet from behind one of them.

"Lay down your arms or we'll rip his off!" Moe yelled. When did trolls learn to negotiate? And where'd they get a sense of humor? When I ask?

I heard the metallic clatters of everyone putting down their weapons along with Bilbo's cry as he was carried away and stuffed in a sack. A bunch of the dwarves also started protesting as they were picked up and either stuffed into sacks to be thrown by Bilbo, or stripped to their skivvies to be roasted over a roaring fire. I tried to get up and crawl away, but I had lost a lot of blood from when my leg wound opened. All I could do was lie there half-dead. I coughed into the dirt, spraying some blood on the fallen leaves and other debris.

"Help us out William! Don't just stand there, they'll run away!" Larry shouted to Curly.

"I can't see Tom." Curly replied morosely, "That cat-thing put out my eyes. Stab me with its claws, it did. It hurts." He whined, begging for sympathy from his brothers.

"What!?" Moe roared in rage, "Where is that thing? We'll roast it first then. Don't need it causing trouble."

"Bad idea! Bad idea!" Some of the dwarves and Bilbo called out.

Bilbo continued, "She's full of poison. Nasty stuff. Just today we found out. Very venomous."

"Rubbish." Larry spat, making his way toward me, "This thing bit me. I know it. If it's poisonous then 'ow come I ain't dead, eh?"

"Um..." Bilbo fumbled, "Slow...acting...poison?" Way to go Billy, you just sealed my fate.

If this troll had the capacity and intellect to rolls its eyes, it probably would have, "Right." The fucker then picked me up roughly, ignoring my snarls of anger and pain, and shoved me into a sack. Dropping me into the dwarf and hobbit pile, it turned back and said, "We'll cook it with the others. Maybe with all the fight it put up it might add a little spice."

"What am I, a PowerPuff Girl!?" I screamed at the asshole's back. What the fuck was he implying with 'spice?' Fuck you man, fuck you.

Larry ignored me and went to tie the rest of the dwarves to the stick and put them over the fire to roast them rotisserie style. Curly, while holding his snot cloth to his eyes - an act that made me want to fucking puke my intestines out - he said, "Don't bother cooking them, let's just sit on them and squash them into jelly." The dwarves over the spit didn't take to kindly to that and starting protesting even more and squirming against the ropes.

"They should be sautéed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage." Moe replied, stopping the rotations to poke at the dwarves.

"That does sound quite nice," Curly said while looking in the wrong direction. I grinned knowing that I really did blind the bastard.

"Never mind the seasoning; we ain't got all night!" Larry called, "Dawn ain't far away, so let's get a move on. I don't fancy being turned to stone." I barely saw the light bulb go off over Bilbo's head. My vision was going foggy from blood loss and I was getting pretty fucking dizzy. Even the dwarf I had been dropped next to seemed to sound like he was miles away.

"Twitchy, don't close your eyes. Stay with us." I don't even know who it was. It was too far off. I was going in and out of consciousness, something I didn't really enjoy doing; especially in a situation like this. I looked over to the fire and saw Bilbo scramble to his feet and hop forward a few paces closer to the stooge trolls, saying something about seasoning that I couldn't really catch.

"What about the seasoning?" Moe bent down closer to the poor Hobbit and question him.

"Well have you smelt them?" Bilbo asked, "You're going to need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up."

I didn't hear anything else after that. I blacked out, my head slumping against whoever was closest to me. I felt the nudges of someone's knee or foot to wake me up. I couldn't figure out who it was, but chances were that it was whoever told me to keep my eyes open. Yeah, how well did that turn out for you asshole?

"Tom, get me the filleting knife." Moe ordered his brother. I guess I missed out on the whole back and forth sitcom between Moe and Bilbo about what the secret to cooking dwarf was. Go figure I'd miss that stupidity. I didn't hear much after that seeing as how I fucking blacked out again. Damn it, this is getting ridiculous.

I woke up again and this time it was the parasites, "In-in fact they all have, they're in-infested with parasites. It's a terrible business; I wouldn't risk it, I really wouldn't." I heard Bilbo say, barely hearing him. It sounded like I was underwater. Thankfully the dwarves, who for some goddamn reason unknown to me, didn't know that Bilbo was stalling so Wonder Wizard could come to the rescue and save all of our asses. Their protests about having parasites jerked me awake so I could at least hear them a little better.

"Parasites, did he say parasites?"

"We don't have parasites! You have parasites!"

"What are you talking about, laddie?"

I heard a light thump accompanied by silence. The silence was quickly broken by the idiot dwarves changing their minds about having parasites.

"I've got parasites as big as my arm."

"Mine are the biggest parasites, I've got _huge_ parasites!"

"We're riddled."

"Yes, I'm riddled."

"Yes we are. Badly!"

Motherfucking fucks, took you assholes long enough to realize that Bilbo was acting. Actually...you'd still be trying to bite at his ankles like Chihuahuas had Thorin not kicked some random asshole. I'm surrounded by idiots.

"What would you have us do then?" Larry demanded Bilbo. Out of the corner of my eye I saw another shadow. Oh fuck, not _now_ you motherfucker. I'm too fucked up to deal with this shit right now. I swear on my nonexistent grave if it's another fucking assassin - "Let 'em all go?" Damn you Larry, you interrupted my thoughts.

Bilbo started to speak, but was cut off by the second smartest stooge...wow, that's stretching it. I really am fucked up if I'm describing these guys as even remotely smart.

"You think I don't know what you're up to? This little ferret is taking us for fools!" Larry returned to his place at the spit and started rotating the dwarves with the help of his brother Moe. Bilbo cried out in outrage at being compared to a smelly rodent.

"The dawn will take you all!" A familiar voice called out over the boulders. Wonder Wizard had come to the rescue.

"Who's that?"

"No idea."

"Can we eat him to? Wherever it is?"

Those were the famous last words of the three stooges of Middle Earth because Gandalf completely owned them all with the power of sunlight. Take that motherfuckers. And _there_ was that fucking shadow again. Don't ruin this moment you son of a bitch.

"Twitch!"

"Mama!" I yelled. Mama dropped to her knees as she worked to get the sack open. Gandalf went to work putting out the fire and freeing those tied to the stick. After Mama had managed to get the stupid sack open I helped her free the others. After they had squirmed their way out of the itchy burlap sacks and got to their feet, they went to help the others. Still feeling a bit wobbly I limped over to Mama, who was finally getting her knife back from Bilbo. How he forgot that heavy thing was in his pocket I have no idea. I noticed that Mama had her crossbow slung over her back.

"Twitchy, erm, fell a couple times." I heard Bilbo say to Mama, "I think her wound might've opened again."

"'Might have?' It did open again, you twat." I snarled at the Hobbit, staring him down. He flinched and backed away. I felt a hard smack to my arm.

"Get off your high horse Twitchy." Mama said harshly, her voice steadily rising as she continued on, "It's your own goddamn fault that gash opened again. You were the one that was so stubborn that you couldn't sit still for just once and get better. Did you forget that you were poisoned? Did you forget that you had taken a fucking knife that nearly severed your femoral artery!? This is your own fucking fault Twitchy! You would not have been in this situation if you had just fucking listened to me for once in your life and stayed back at camp like you were supposed to!"

I shrunk back into the ground cowering. I didn't like it when Mama yelled at me. She only yelled when she was really upset. I slunk off over to a shaded area hoping to hide, but I could still feel Mama's eyes burning into my back. I sat there crouched underneath some branches trying not to show any emotion. Mama was mad at me. Really mad.

* * *

><p><strong>Alex<strong>

I kept running until I - somehow - got back to the campsite. How I got back was a mystery to me, but it wasn't my top priority to figure it out. My top priority was to find my crossbow and run off to find Gandalf. How I was going to go about that I had absolutely no idea. I never plan this crap, most of the time I go off the cuff and it works out fine. Besides, most of my plans never work anyway.

After finding my crossbow, yanking it from its bag and loading it with an arrow, and slinging it and the quiver over my shoulder I made a mad dash in the direction Gandalf had left in a few hours ago. I don't know whether I was going to find him or not, but going this way was my best bet. If I got lost I'll find my way back. Or hell even Twitchy would track me down if it came down to that.

Twitchy.

I suddenly felt furious. Twitchy, against everything: pain, conscience, and knowledge knowing that I'd be angry with her if she moved, completely disregarded all reason and went on to fight the trolls. She knew that she had taken a poisoned dagger to the leg, a wound that nearly obliterated her femoral artery. She full well knew that if she fought she'd run the risk of opening her wound. She _knew._ She _fucking knew._ She went and did it anyway. _Fucking. Hell._

Needless to say I was pretty pissed off at Twitchy, but she and the others were still in danger, and I hadn't found Gandalf yet. I continued to run in the general direction he left in the hopes that I'd catch him coming back. I silently thanked myself for running at least a couple of weeks of cross country in the blistering August heat of Arizona. Running during a cool night was nothing, although; the heavy-as-hell crossbow and quiver did hinder me a little.

I stopped to rest for a couple seconds before taking off again at a quick walk, slowly easing myself into a steady jog as I regained some energy. I began to see a fast moving black speck on the horizon. With a shot of adrenaline I surged myself forward, hoping against everything that it'd be Gandalf riding back. The dot was far off though, and chances were that he would notice ahead of time that something fishy was up and veer off course and into the woods to execute his surprise attack on the trolls.

That wasn't even the least of my problems, though. Since I left the camp to go on the hunt for Gandalf, I kept hearing footsteps behind me; following me. Looking back occasionally only showed me that I was probably losing my mind: there was nothing. Nothing except the abandoned campsite. I kept running.

I heard a hiss coming from the tree line. I stopped dead in my tracks, nearly falling over at the sudden halt. I moved my crossbow into my arms, ready to fire at anyone or anything that had caught up with me. At first, I thought Twitchy had somehow escaped the debacle with the trolls and tracked me to here wanting to help me find Gandalf. Unfortunately, I had a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach that that just wasn't the case this time.

Rocking back and forth on my heels, turning around and scanning the trees for any movement I didn't immediately see anything. However; I knew from the brief hunting lessons with my dad that just because you can't really see something immediately doesn't mean that something isn't there. You have to kind of shut yourself off and just look, standing still and just listening, waiting for something to happen. The other important thing being to stay downwind so that whatever's out there doesn't smell you, because whatever is in front of you will smell you first before anything, hearing coming next, and sight coming in dead last. A slight breeze told me that I was downwind, so whatever was hunting me, if anything, had either heard me or saw me. Just when I was beginning to wonder about my sanity, it attacked.

I only just stepped out of the way when it jumped out of the trees and into the proverbial arena. The thing slowly stood up, lifting its head to look me in the eyes. Was this a Mary Sue? Or something more sinister? It definitely wasn't an orc. Whoever or whatever it was began to make its way toward me. I raised my loaded crossbow level to my shoulder and aimed straight at the figure. The red dot from my laser sight told me exactly where to go.

"Who are you and what do you want?" I called to the figure.

The figure smiled, their..._pointed?_...teeth glinting in the pale moonlight. My eyes widened in disbelief. These Sue-thors are getting creative. Vampires, if this was a vampire, aren't even in this damn story. They licked their lips disturbingly before replying to me.

"Your blood." Yep. This was a fucking vampire. This shit just got real. Goddammit. I really hope I still have my holy water, because I certainly don't have a wooden stake or garlic or a crucifix. The unnamed vampire lunged for me. I barely moved out of the way in time, feeling the light breeze of their fingers against my t-shirt. I turned around and aimed my crossbow right back at them, the laser sight pointing right at their chest. The concept that they had a sight on them didn't seem to perturb them at all. I am so fucked.

I quickly fired my crossbow just as the vampire was about to lunge for me again. The arrow hit its mark, and it certainly slowed my attacker a little bit, but they still charged at me faster than I could reload. I dodged their attack again, but I ended up falling to the ground in doing so. The vampire turned on a heel and slowly stalked toward me, looking triumphant that I had gone down pretty easily. I blame my clumsy footing.

Scooting a ways back, trying to find my bottle of holy water in my pocket, I kept my eyes on the vampire Sue. She tauntingly removed the arrow from her chest and cast it aside as if it were just a pesky mosquito. She stopped in front of me and grinned.

"Foolish human." She scoffed, "Did you really think that a puny arrow would defeat me?"

"It certainly slowed you down." Goddammit, not the time for snarkiness. Where is that switch when you so desperately need it?

The vampire Sue hissed in response, baring their sharp canines trying to get me to cower in fear or beg for my life. I kept a straight face though, knowing that my snark may buy me some time - either that or destroy me faster. I sincerely hoped that it was the former.

Luckily, like all cliché movie villains, she decided to monologue before killing me. _Just perfect,_ I thought to myself as I slid my hand into my other pocket as discretely as possible, successfully finding the holy water, _while she's yammering, I can catch her off guard. Maybe I can coat one of my arrows in this shit so I don't have to get my hands dirty._

"You humans are all the same. You either fight back, though however futile, or you beg for your pitiful lives." She began, "However; I know who you are and why you're here. You're here to eliminate Mary Sues from this world. Well, I can tell you right now that it's not going to work. Not only are you going to die right here and now, but there are forces beyond your realization that will try, and succeed, in preventing you from doing so. You cannot destroy us, we will only keep coming back in different forms. Our creators put too much time and effort in their works to give up so easily. Your efforts are useless. You will never win."

"We may not win," I spat, "but at least we can protect those you affect and raise awareness in their worlds. We can control the problem in our own universes by raising awareness."

The Sue laughed shrilly, "Do you honestly think that everyone is going to follow the rules?"

"No." I replied simply. I could tell that my answer what not one that she was expecting - her face fell slightly, "I know people are going to break the rules. After all; it's in human nature. We don't like it when we're told how to do something: how we're supposed to write, how to act, how to behave, what is good, bad, and polite. We don't like it when someone tells us we're wrong. We always want to be in the right, and admitting that we're wrong is probably one of the hardest things to do.

What _you _have to understand is that Sue-Slayers, such as myself and my demon, are trying to control the problem as I mentioned before. If we don't, it'll get out of hand and shit will hit the fan. The good fanfictions won't be noticed because there's so many bad ones, and in return there are so many trolls and flames on those fanfictions that it deters aspiring authors from posting their works. The fandom-verse needs a healthy dose of sarcasm every now and again, and that comes from making fun of bad fanfictions unanimously agreed upon by the community and creating Sue-Slayer fanfictions and parodies. These elements balance out the negative effects that troll fictions and Mary Sue centric fanfictions leave." I slowly stood up as I spoke. I hid my hands behind my back, one holding an arrow and in the other the holy water. I carefully dipped the arrowhead in the liquid, but I kept my hands where they were. The Sue didn't know that I had pulled out an arrow and holy water and would undoubtedly attack when she saw them.

"It's all a matter of perspective and opinion. Both of which differs to the person. This is just the way that I see it." I shrugged, waiting for a reaction. I didn't have time to register it, though, as a blinding white light incapacitated the Sue and made me flinch and close my eyes. I heard the distinctive sound of hooves along with a very familiar voice.

"_Now_, Alex!" Gandalf ordered as he rode past the Sue, knocking her in the head with his staff for good measure. I quickly loaded the 'blessed' arrow to the crossbow and fired. The arrow hit its mark again, right in the chest. This time the Sue screamed and fell to the ground. The smell of burning flesh filled the air, making me cough and cover my nose. I quickly gathered my arrows, including the one still embedded in the Sue's chest, and poured a little more holy water on her just to be sure.

I ran toward Gandalf, who had stopped his horse a few yards away. The dwarves, Bilbo, and Twitchy were still in trouble, and we had to find them quickly unless we wanted to take on Smaug ourselves, something I wasn't too keen on doing. I hopped onto the back of Gandalf's horse with his assistance and we tore off back to the campsite.

We arrived in no time, quickly sliding off of the horse. Gandalf investigated the campsite while mumbling to himself.

"Show me where they went." He ordered. Nodding once, I took off toward we initially saw the trolls. I pointed out the glow of the fire and Gandalf took off in a different direction to catch the trolls by surprise, I followed closely behind him making sure not to be seen. When we both heard the trolls conversing on how to serve the dwarves for dinner. We slowed our pace and stuck to the overgrowth in the forest.

"Don't bother cooking them. Let's just sit on them and squash them into jelly." William recommended. In the slight gap between branches, I saw that instead of skulking around he was sitting in his former place at the fire with a moldy snot rag to his eyes. I wondered what might've happened to him, but the thought quickly left my mind when I saw that Gandalf had moved further ahead of me than I would've liked.

"They should be sautéed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage." Bert declared. I thought for a split second that if the circumstances were different, I would've vouched for him to have his own cooking show.

"That does sound quite nice." William agreed.

"Never mind the seasoning; we ain't got all night! Dawn ain't far away, so let's get a move on. I don't fancy being turned to stone." Tom informed.

Gandalf already full well knew this information and had a plan to turn the trolls into stone. I could faintly see the golden sunlight begin to peak into the sky. I kept following Gandalf, knowing that my best bet was to stick by him as closely as possible no matter how badly I wanted to help the guys escape sooner.

Even though I couldn't see him, I heard Bilbo say, "Wait! You are making a terrible mistake."

"You can't reason with them they're half-wits!" Dori called.

"Half-wits? What does that make us?" Bofur retorted.

"Uh, I meant with the, uh, with, uh, with the seasoning." Bilbo stammered.

I heard the sound of troll feet slamming the ground as Bert moved away from the fire to confront Bilbo, "What about the seasoning?" He challenged.

"Well have you smelt them? You're going to need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up." The dwarves began to protest at Bilbo calling them out on their body odor. He wasn't wrong. When you've traveled with dwarves long enough you begin to notice their smell. Though I'd have to say that I myself began to feel a bit self conscious about what I smelt like at that moment.

"What do you know about cooking dwarf?" Tom dismissed, resuming his task of rotating the dwarves.

"Shut up," Bert snapped, "let the, uh, flurgaburburrahobbit talk."

"Uh, th-the secret to cooking dwarf is, um..." Bilbo trailed off, hoping to buy some time.

"Yes? Come on." Bert pressed.

"It's, uh..."

"Tell us the secret." Bert pressured excitedly.

"Ye-yes, I'm telling you, the secret is...to _skin them first!_" Bilbo declared. An uproar started amongst the dwarves, many of them throwing curses at Bilbo.

"Tom, get me the filleting knife." Bert ordered. More curses were thrown Bilbo's way as they heard the conversation resume.

"What a load of rubbish!" Tom yelled, "I've eaten plenty with their skins on. Scuff them, I say, boots and all."

Gandalf and I slipped by a gap in the branches, which Bilbo, if the movie hasn't strayed too far by now, would've seen us and come up with the parasites gimmick. Something was off though, William didn't say his line. I didn't hear Bombur's moans and yells in terror. What happened to William?

"B-but now see here!" Bilbo started again. Uh-oh. Something got fucked up. "See this big one here? Yes, him! He has worms! In-in fact that all have, they're in-infested with parasites. It's a terrible business; I wouldn't risk it, I really wouldn't."

I heard the biggest uproar of all amongst the dwarves. I listened carefully to what they said. Everything was on point, so I guess whatever happened to William didn't fuck up the timeline too badly. I sighed with relief as I sat in position with Gandalf, waiting for the perfect moment to pop up. The dwarves' tactics quickly changed after I assume Thorin kicked them. For good measure I continued to listen to what they said to make sure it didn't differ from the script. Everything seemed fine. I'd have to ask what happened to William though.

The uproar was drowned out by Tom saying, "What would you have us do then? Let 'em all go? You think I don't know what you're up to? This little ferret is taking us for fools!"

"Ferret!?" Bilbo cried.

Gandalf stood up on the rock and shouted, "The dawn will take you all!" With that, the trolls said their finals words before being turned to stone. I carefully scaled my way down the boulders and ran across the clearing, looking for the dwarves pile. I saw Twitchy was lying amongst them, she looked like she had just woken up from a long nap. I came to the horrible realization that her leg wound _did_ open up when I saw the large bloodstain on the burlap sack she had been stuffed into.

"Twitch!" I cried as I fell beside her. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't concerned at first, but from the color of the bloodstain - it had been there a while and she had most likely stopped bleeding a while ago. I quickly untied the drawstrings on the burlap sack and frantically patted my right side in search of my multiltool. That's right, Bilbo still had it. Damn it. I got Twitchy of the sack as best I could before going to help the others. Gandalf had went over to the dwarves still over the fire. He put the fire out using his own special abilities and began freeing those still suspended about eight feet in the air.

After the ones of the ground had been freed, I walked over to Bilbo to ask what had happened after I snuck away. I knew that he'd tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

"It was quite incredible. After you left the dwarves sprang into action immediately. Twitchy was a tremendous help. She even blinded one of the trolls!" Bilbo informed with a smile of his face.

"I was wondering what happened to him, because what happened with you guys strayed from the original storyline." I commented, "Geez though, she just went full Odysseus on him did she?"

Bilbo looked at me confused, "Who?"

I waved it off, "I'll explain Homeric epics later. What happened to Twitchy though? I saw the bloodstain on her sack."

Bilbo looked at his feet before he picked his head up, he looked worried that what he'd say would anger someone. "Twitchy, erm, fell a couple times. I think her wound might've opened again." Just as I thought.

"'Might have?'" I heard a snarl, "It did open again, you twat." I felt my nostrils flare as I exhaled. I was beyond furious at this point. I reached out and smacked Twitchy hard in the arm. She turned to look at me and was about to say something, but I beat her to it. I was not about to let her talk and give some bullshit excuse for her rash actions last night.

"Get off your high horse Twitchy. It's your own goddamn fault that gash opened again. You were the one that was so stubborn that you couldn't sit still for just once and get better." My voice steadily rose higher and higher, attracting the attention of everyone present, "Did you forget that you were poisoned? Did you forget that you had taken a fucking knife that nearly severed your femoral artery!? This is your own fucking fault Twitchy! You would not have been in this situation if you had just fucking listened to me for once in your life and stayed back at camp like you were supposed to!"

Twitchy flinched, looking hurt. She blinked at me several times before slinking off to hide in some bushes. Had the circumstances been different, I would've regretted yelling at her, but; I didn't feel an ounce of regret. She was way out of line last night. She should have been resting, but instead chose to put herself and possibly several others in grave danger. I glared at her as she sat alone in by the overgrowth looking as pitiful as a drenched kitten.

This was going to be a _long_ journey. And I _really_ hope I'm ready for it.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Rambling: I'm sorry if this seems a little rushed. I was really excited to finally get an update out to you guys. If you see any errors that I missed please don't hesitate to tell me. As always, please review with your comments, questions, and criticisms.<strong>

**I'm also helping someone out with their fanfiction currently. Just giving them critiques and advice and stuff. And believe in supporting fellow authors that support you, go check out their stuff. Here's their username: [one-lifetime-with-you]. (Remove the brackets, that was to separate the username.)**

**This chapter had a little bit of character development of both Twitchy and myself, however small. I'm actually quite proud of those moments.**


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